European Protests Inspire Anti-European Protests

European-minded Britons, inspired by yesterday’s mass protests in France, have taken a leaf out of their international fellow-workers’ book by staging strikes against the employment of Europeans in Britain.

The strikes began in Lincolnshire, where French oil company Total enraged the workforce by awarding a £200m contract at the Lindsey refinery to Italian firm IREM.

“Us’ve got plenty of aliens floatin’ around Lincolnshire in their UFOs, a-crashin’ into the scenery,” said one of the strikers at the refinery gates, “Now there’s goin’ to be 300 Italians all a-plantin’ their ‘orrible spaghetti trees all over the countryside.”

Xenophobic sympathy strikes subsequently broke out in Scotland, Wales and Teeside, as British workers followed the example set by their European counterparts and mounted protests against their European counterparts.

“How dare these swarthy, evil, moustachio-twirling foreigners come over here with their work ethic and their skills and their habit of meeting deadlines, and steal all the jobs from decent, hardworking, lazy, useless British workers?” said a spokesman for the trade union Unite.

“What this country needs is a bloody good war,” he added. “I say we invade Europe now, while the ranks of our glorious British Army are still chock-full of foreign soldiers.”