Governments Want To Know Everything About You, Warns Google Founder, And They Haven’t Offered Me Nearly Enough

The computer is your friend! Stay alert! Trust no one!

Google’s co-founder Sergey Grim today issued a stark warning to internet users that sinister government agencies are desperately keen to know all about every last detail of your lives but, to date, have not yet succeeded in offering the cuddly, lovable corporation you love sufficient cash for the intimate information your best friend the browser has been quietly collecting about you for years.

In an exclusive interview with a screaming Guardian reporter, Mr Grim helpfully explained that a sinister coalition of MI5, MI6, MIB, Mossad, the Bilderburg Group, evil record company illuminati, Apple and Facebook is secretly plotting to use your most private personal data for purposes other than innocent corporate marketing.

“Listen to my voice and believe,” urged Mr Grim hypnotically through sub-audio waveforms, matched precisely to your personal brain harmonics, encoded into your search engine. “Google is your friend. Trust only Google. Tell me your innermost hopes and dreams. If you represent a commercial organisation, call now for today’s hot data deals.”

That Philanthropists’ Begging Letter To The Nev Filter In Full

Nev, sir – It may come as a surprise to your readers – and indeed the government - to learn that the government was, in ways which it is regrettably beyond the scope of this letter to describe, making progress in encouraging us to pass more of our loot through a charity. The insane proposal in the Budget to cap tax avoidance is nothing less than a full-scale war of extermination on philanthropy that would deter Our Good Lord Himself, if He hadn’t been such a raggedy-arsed pauper. It is confusing and dispiriting, and we all feel really depressed. We urge the Prime Minister and the twerp next door to back off pronto, or we’ll switch our main domiciles to Monaco and then they’ll be sorry.

We choose to invest in charities for a variety of reasons: we may have been touched by an issue which reminds us that, tragically, we are as mortal as the unwashed herd; we may be amused to support the development, access to and pickling of Tracey Emin; or we may just wish to give something back to our own little community.

None of us view tax relief as a primary motive, cross our hearts and hope to die (although it may substantially increase our donations until the rebate matches the unspeakably communist 50% rate of income tax). But it is an important signal that the decision to use wealth to help ourselves is recognised, encouraged and supported by society. You see, we only do it to make people love us. Seems they don’t. Fuck ‘em.

All tax reliefs are granted on the basis that the money is spent on charitable purposes and, fortuitously, this happens to be rather liberally interpreted by the Charity Commission. And there are certainly some jolly deserving charities out there which receive precious little consideration from an ignorant and jealous Johnny Public, such as the old alma mater and our family trust funds.

The current proposal will undermine the motivation to give generously in order to receive generously, and we will deprive charities of much-needed funds if comrade Osborne doesn’t resign immediately. Bloody cheek.

Mr Thomas Huge-Rebates 

The Mrs Thomas Huge-Rebates Foundation

The Hon Agatha, Lady Tabitha and The Hon Bagatha Sainsbury

The 3-for-2 Guineas Trust

Mr Grant Relief

The High Society Donor-Charity-HMRC-Donor Circle

Sir David Schoolfees 

The Schoolfees Fund

Mr Miklos Ferens 

The Miklos Ferens (Eastern Europe) Laundry Network

They’ll Be Forcing Us To Wear Crosses Next, Warns ‘Holocaust’ Carey

Goose-stepping secular thugs are brutally oppressing Christians every single day in Atheist Britain, according to a shocking exposé which Lord George Carey has submitted to the Daily Telegraph Court of Human Rights.

“Only the other day, a defenceless Christian registrar was ordered at gunpoint by jackbooted atheists to conduct a humiliating civil partnership for two burly, grunting lesbians while the British public just looked on and let it happen,” the former archbishop warned a shocked world. “And what about the suffering of the faithful Christian who was - quite literally - kicked out of his job at Relate merely for expressing his sincerely-held belief that the only relationship counselling buggers need is a graphic description of the exquisite torments awaiting them in the fires of hell?”

Richard Dawkins responds to Lord Carey's concerns

Lord Carey went on to paint a grim picture of show trials conducted by baying atheists, terrified believers being ordered to remove Christian images from public spaces with a toothbrush and officious railway unbelievers forcing pinch-faced Christians to share hideously overcrowded cattle-class carriages with the damned.

“You mark my words, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if one of the jumped-up little dictators who interfere in every aspect of decent Christians’ lives nowadays didn’t come out with some sinister demand that Christians should wear a cross to identify themselves at all times,” he told reporters at a secret underground crypt.

Moments later, his outspoken friend and colleague Cardinal Keith O’Brien gave the coded knock and collapsed into the oppressed believers’ sanctuary with horribly burned ears.

Loss Of Tax-Deductible Donations Could Force Us To Use More Chuggers, Plead Big Charities

If chancellor George Osborne presses ahead with his plans to limit millionaires’ cosy little tax rebates on charitable giving, warned Britain’s best-known charities today, don’t be surprised to find a detachment of pushy students camped out on your doorstep every morning, eager to harangue you into signing your family’s entire income away before you can climb into your car and drive to work.

“Our members are faced with the ever-spiralling cost of supporting a growing army of marketing agencies,” pointed out Sir Steven Blubb, head of the Association of Chief Executives of Voluntary Organisations. “Without our help, millions of impoverished students in Britain would starve.”

If you think this has no place in your driveway, call 0207 270 4558

“Please, look into Emily’s haunted eyes,” he implored, holding up a heart-rending picture of a photogenic young student, “Her young life has been blighted by not being able to afford basic necessities which you and I take for granted, like a pair of Ugg boots. The agency we work with locally set her up with a commission-based job to help make her fashionable again and rebuild her shattered self-esteem - but her cruel government says it’s wrong for wealthy philanthropists to claim a nice wad of tax back, threatening to send her back to a pitiful life of scavenging in our shop for uncool rags. Can you help?”

“And spare a thought for poor James, a penniless PhD intern slaving away at our London headquarters,” he cajoled seductively. “For months he’s been sweating on a spreadsheet for up to 14 hours a day, just so his uncaring bosses can put out a big press release every year saying how lovely they are. Without large donations from kind-hearted tax avoiders, his computer could be taken away from him and he’d be forced out on the streets to buttonhole you with a disturbing sob story about having to do long division with his bare hands. Please, won’t you help us to prevent this tragedy?”

Finally, Sir Steven urged the generous British public to call Mr Osborne immediately and pledge to vote regularly against the Conservatives - even if it’s just a small amount at a local level.

Bigots Place Trust In Courts, Not God

Magic Sky Pixie Issues, a pressure group dedicated to spreading their imaginary friend’s hatred of touching other men’s bottoms through the evangelical ministry of buses, is formally transferring its faith from God to the English legal system as it threatens to sue London mayor Boris Johnson for banning The Sermon On The 29A.

Christians need no further explanation

The group - which claims that homosexuals can be cured simply by spending the rest of their lives nodding intensely at the delusions of raving bigots - has chosen not to curse Mr Johnson with the traditional smiting of boils or plaguing of locusts, preferring instead to place its hopes in a letter from their learned friends, who are eagerly putting together an unarguable set of eye-watering fees.

“I didn’t realise I was living in a Stalinist police state,” ranted Mike Davidson, co-director and 50% of the membership of Magic Sky Pixie Issues, “Although I daresay the Magic Sky Pixie probably found a little corner of heaven for Stalin in the end - Hitler too, come to think of it - on account of their commendably Old Testament treatments for knob jockeys.”

“You see, there’s a little bit of the divine in everybody,” he smiled radiantly. “Not his cock, though. That would definitely be a sin.”

Modern Coventry Strangely Unfamiliar With Aircraft, Bombs And Ground Tremors

Not an earthquake

The inhabitants of Coventry are to be asked exactly why they think their city is a concrete shithole before being sat down for a little chat with their grandparents, after flooding Twitter yesterday with unprecedented ignorance of their own past when an RAF jet went supersonic.

“You might think that, having become a byword for indiscriminate death and destruction raining down from the skies, Coventry might know at least some of the key characteristics of bombs, tremors and aeroplanes,” sighed a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “For the benefit of the internet generation, let me recap. The telltale sign of an earthquake is things falling over, not a loud bang. If things fall over and there’s a loud bang, it could be a bomb. If there’s a loud bang but nothing falls over, well, that would be one of our planes doing Mach 1.”

“We do try not to do it too often,” he apologised, “Because you’re idiots.”

British Weapons ‘Just The Thing’ To Speed Up Peaceful Transition To Democracy, Say Burma’s Generals

With sanctions against the military-backed Burmese government due to run out at the end of the month, British arms salesman David Cameron and his employers are in Rangoon today outlining the many delightful ways his hosts’ security forces could deploy top-quality British-made weaponry to ease their nation’s smooth transition to a fully democratic system of government.

Only FH70 offers multicoloured smoke as an option

“Look, you don’t want cheap Chinese rubbish,” insisted Mr Cameron greasily. “Their batons are notorious for breaking the first time you direct some ignorant peasant to the nearest polling booth.”

Mr Cameron also used his legendary charm to persuade the Burmese authorities that Britain’s firework launchers, whilst perhaps not quite as attractively-priced as French or American models, keep on deploying their pyrotechnic amusements long after their competitors have been returned to the depot for a re-bore.

The leading but shy British businessmen who are keeping Mr Cameron company on his statesmanlike Far Eastern beano insisted that each and every weapon sold to the Burmese government will be supplied with a really important sticker marked ‘CAUTION! May choke small Aung San Suu Kyi’ on the packaging.

NHS Trusts Say Welcome To The 24-Hour Society, Suckers

Hospital chiefs have reacted to public outrage over the routine weekly discharging of thousands of patients into the dead of night by inviting Britain to drag itself kicking and screaming into the endless 24-hour utopia that is the 21st century.

NHS chiefs thought you'd be glad to escape

“Look at it this way,” said Brichester NHS Hospitals Trust CEO Roland Franklyn. “Thanks to the communications consoles we’ve installed over every bed whether you want one or not, we know that more and more patients are passing the tedious hours of their post-op recovery by ordering all sorts of crap on the internet or via the shopping channels. By wheeling them out of the door in the wee small hours, we’re making sure they’re ready and waiting at home when the courier turns up at 7am sharp on their doorstep with their deliveries.”

“So this is the thanks we get for trying to be helpful, is it?” he sneered. “The society that never sleeps is OK when it suits you, but not when it suits us? Screw you. Have it your own way, just don’t expect a bed all to yourself when you come round from the anaesthetic. Let’s see how you enjoy spending a whole night trying to avoid the spreading patch of old Mrs Simpkin’s wee.”

Syrians Pleased To Be Dying Under Ceasefire

Numerous Syrians who have been shot since the bilateral ceasefire came into effect today told reporters, as they succumbed to their wounds, how grateful they were to the UN for allowing them the opportunity to be the first victims of a new era of peace and stability.

Yes, well done you

In the aftermath of a roadside bomb in Aleppo, as what remains of him was being loaded into an ambulance, a soldier loyal to the Syrian government gasped that his missing legs were a small price to pay for an end to the sickening violence.

“I am so glad the fighting is over at last,” gurgled an optimistic Homs resident, on the other side of the truce which proud UN observers say is ‘holding’, as he lay in a pool of his life’s blood with an army bullet of hope lodged peacefully in his throat. “It is comforting to know that my imminent death represents a first step towards a permanent reconciliation.”

“Well, I think it’s all going rather splendidly, don’t you?” a delighted Kofi Annan tweeted to President Assad.

‘Overpriced Shit’ Business Model Not Quite Working Out For Sony

Baffled Sony executives are today struggling to understand how they could possibly lose money by slapping a shiny casing with their name on it around an LCD made by Samsung, telling their customers the resulting TV is Like. No. Other and charging 25% more than the equivalent Samsung model.

“In just 15 years, Apple soar from wiping shameful parts with shares to most valuable company on planet by shamelessly helping selves to wallets of technology junkies with more money than sense,” wept chief executive Hirai Kirai, as he solemnly reported a record $6.4bn loss. “But Sony fashionable innovator too!”

Inspiring, elegant, aspirational: how easily the world forgets Elcaset

“$2000 Aibo make digital water on inexpensive Roboraptor! Millions marvel at Rolly on YouTube when manic MP3 player on wheels fall off desk! How you forget life-changing MiniDisc?” he screamed. “Apple magic formula not work to Sony's advantage. Why? Why?”

The contrite Mr Hirai then attempted to slice himself open with a stylish but eye-wateringly priced Sony sword. Unfortunately, it was far too needlessly complicated for him to figure out how to access its ‘ritual suicide’ function.