MG Proudly Restarts Production With Some Sort Of Car

Much-missed legendary British marque MG is hoping to create a new army of aficionados - restarting manufacture at its Longbridge plant, after a 16-year hiatus, with a blob which looks very much like a car of some sort.

Well, it certainly seems car-shaped

MG’s owners, Shanghai Automotive Industry Corporation And Takeaway, have spent years studying what a car looks like, and believe they have at last cracked the elusive formula with the MG6. Leading motoring journalists are already saying that the blob does indeed strongly resemble a car.

MG’s Guy Jones was keen to stress that, although the anodyne lump of metal is bolted together exclusively from other lumps of metal made in China, it was nevertheless 100% designed in Britain – being apparently under the apprehension that inheriting the mantle of the Sinclair C5 and step-in baths is some sort of irresistible lure to more than just the BNP.

Other Shanghai Auto executives, however, put more emphasis on the inclusion of today’s must-have features like doors, wheels and a top speed – confidently predicting that, for people who sort of like cars, this is definitely the sort of car they will sort of like.

Low Food Prices Send Inflation Tumbling, and other stories

The ONS has created a fantasy world where this is affordable

The Office for National Statistics made its literary debut today, with the publication of a welcome collection of short works of fiction which takes its name from the first story, ‘Low Food Prices Send Inflation Tumbling’.

The eponymous tale focuses on an anonymous junior civil servant’s increasingly desperate and comical attempts to discover the location of the fabled supermarket where a loaf of bread doesn’t go up a penny a day, whilst being pursued by an ever-growing Kafkaesque horde of newspaper editors, government ministers and Bank of England officials.

Expert storyteller Nick Clegg has already hailed the collection as a masterpiece.

“The extraordinary achievement of this first-time author is that it all seems so plausible that you almost - almost - end up believing that the Consumer Price Index really has fallen from 4.4% to 4%,” he acknowledged, “Even though, of course, we all know it can’t possibly be true.”

Other acclaimed tales in the collection are as fantastically imaginative as the first, including such bizarrely tempting titles as ‘Enterprise Zones End The Misery Of Unemployment’, ‘Mr Osborne Helps The Low-Paid’ and ‘How To Get By After An Atos Medical On £0 A Day’.

God Gives Nicholas Cage His Comic Back

The sacred text was thought lost forever

Christians all over the world gave thanks to God for his mercy, after the Almighty eschewed more hackneyed forms of intervention in human affairs - such as stopping the Fukushima reactor leaks or smiting Colonel Gadaffi with boils - and saw fit instead to reunite grieving spoon-faced actor Nicholas Cage with his treasured Superman comic.

The big-nosed Hollywood star humbly thanked “divine providence” after the Lord guided godfearing detective Don Hrycyk of the Los Angeles Police Department’s art theft unit to a storage locker in San Fernando valley, where the inspirational 1938 first issue of Action Comics – a Cage family heirloom worth $1.5m - was hidden after being spirited out of the action hero’s home by Satan’s little wizards.

Tragically, for the last eleven years Mr Cage’s son Kal-El has been forced to grow up in complete ignorance of his true heritage.

Devoted followers of the Lord are now hoping that He will follow his touching act of kindness with other life-enhancing miracles, such as causing all the Korans in the world to spontaneously burst into flame, or bestowing upon Sarah Palin the gift of her native tongue.

What Would I Know About The Global Economy? Wails Longest-Serving Chancellor Of The Exchequer

Mr Brown spent ten years at the Treasury like this

Former prime minister Gordon Brown today issued an uncharacteristic apology for his pathetic inability to regulate the wild excesses of a banking industry which contributed so much to the worst worldwide recession in generations, but excused himself by pointing out that - as Britain’s longest-serving head of a Treasury chock-full of leading experts on banking and economics – nobody could reasonably have expected him to grasp the first inkling of how banks do business.

“I’m just an average wee chappie with a PhD in History, so obviously I haven’t got a clue about all that mumbo-jumbo about shares and bonds and whatnot,” Mr Brown told the Institute for New Economic Thinking's annual conference in New Hampshire, to the chagrin of conference organisers who paid him a large fee under the impression that he did. “All I know about banks is what I see in the adverts. To be honest, I didn’t even know that Abbey National was bought by Santander. That must be why they disappeared from the high street - I’d been wondering about that.”

“And I thought Lloyds ran the trains in the Channel Tunnel,” he added, to gales of laughter.

“You know, you’d think - with half the Treasury consisting of civil servants who’d been on lengthy secondments to the City and the other half being bankers on secondment to the Treasury - somebody there might have had some notion of just how much the banks were all mortgaged to each other. But no, apparently not,” insisted the man who was responsible for the economy for ten years.

“When I was setting up the Financial Services Authority, I did send a memo round asking if anyone could explain the basics to me,” he went on, as delegates rolled helplessly in the aisles. “But when I chased it up people just coughed, looked at their shoes and told me it was all completely straightforward and the worst that could conceivably happen might be one of the smaller banks being swallowed up if a huge sinkhole were to suddenly open up in Central London.”

“Tell me, was I so wrong that to be trusting?” pleaded Mr Brown, to rapturous applause.

“That Ricky Gervais charatcer, he kills me,” said one guffawing economist, wiping a tear from his eye. “At first you think he’s actually being serious. Gotta hand it to you British, you guys are shit hot at parody.”

‘We Absolutely Did Not Capture Gbagbo, Massa,’ Insists Blacked-Up French Commando

France's elite forces were all picking cotton at the time

French special forces played no part whatsoever in the surprise seizure of Ivorian president Laurent Gbagbo, according to a shoeshine-covered French officer in top hat and tails, as he twirled a cane and danced with leggy showgirls to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’ inside the UN headquarters in Abidjan.

“Yassum boss, ah’s a-tellin’ yuh, us Frenchies wun’t nowheres near dat t’ing, no suh!” he explained to sceptical reporters, theatrically rolling his eyes and strutting up and down in his gaily-striped trousers as a platoon of similarly-attired French commandos pushed a confused-looking Mr Gbagbo onstage, flexing their elbows and knees comically as they doffed their toppers.

“Dey native nigga-boys, dey’s a-doin’ it aal bah deyselfs, yes sirree, ain’ dat de troof?” he implored, picking up a strategically-placed banjo and strumming away contentedly.

“Hallelujah!” chorused his troops, waving their pink-palmed hands furiously.

“’Cos if de UN done asked dey Frenchies to take out de bad ole sambo heah, dat be lookin’ like doin’ mo’ dan just de peacekeepin’ work o’ de Lawd, hush mah mouth!” he added solemnly.

“Why, dat be lookin’ mighty like de bad ole days o’ colonialism,” he continued, as he booted Mr Gbagbo offstage into the midst of an appreciative audience of Alassane Ouattara supporters. “Ain’t nobody doin’ dat racist ol’ routine no mo’, praise de Lawd.”

Great Naked Emperor Britain Vows To Bankrupt Little Boy From Iceland

Clearly worth every penny

A furious Emperor Britain shook his fist today at the cheeky little Icelandic boy who has, once again, inconveniently pointed out to the whole world that all the Mighty Emperors in the world are strutting about without so much as a fig-leaf to cover their fiscal embarrassment.

“Look, everyone – can’t you see the emperor’s bollocks?” yelled the impudent young islander, as he stubbornly refused a second invitation to see – as every sensible grown-up agrees – that each and every citizen is naturally obliged to spend the rest of their lives paying for the ruinous schemes of a small number of greedy, conniving tailors.

Dressed in his most illustrious robes of majestic dignity, a fuming Emperor Britain instructed his Lord High Chancellor to issue a writ against the irresponsible little twerp. The courts are expected to force young master Iceland to live out his days in penury - paying for the hugely expensive clothes which everybody else insists are not only of breathtaking richness, but absolutely necessary for the dignified conduct of the world’s affairs.

“Just because this tiresome little boy from the back end of nowhere has had a bit of an education and reads a lot, that hardly qualifies him to tell people who are much bigger and older than he is that the glorious robes of economic intervention don’t exist,” snapped a leading herald, speaking for the entire community. “If these marvellous robes of capitalism simply aren’t there, how come everybody but one little child is convinced they are absolutely real? Are we all complete idiots?”

Police To Sell £100 Tickets For Patronising Slide Show

Haha he got tasered for speeding lol!

Clarksonites who tear along the roads of England and Wales at up to 86mph will be spared the intolerable shame of penalty points on their driving licences, according to new guidelines adopted by 37 police forces, and will henceforth be sold tickets instead for a patronising Powerpoint evening consisting largely of amusingly poor driving culled from the pages of YouTube with complimentary tea and biscuits.

“The fact that the tickets cost £100 each, all of which goes straight into the force’s budget, does not necessarily mean that officers will be handing them out like takeaway flyers,” insisted Jack Dixon, a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. “Although offenders will be asked if they’d like to bring a friend or partner, in which case we’ll drive right up that driver’s arse in an unmarked car until the opportunity to sell another ticket presents itself. There’s no reason why punishment for motoring offences shouldn’t have a fun social aspect.”

The ACPO hopes that its members will soon have raised enough cash to make Jeremy Clarkson a tempting offer to narrate a DVD compilation, which will then replace the slideshow.

“Remember,” said Mr Dixon, “This hilarious compendium of scathing Clarkson wit will not be available in shops.”

The ACPO is also considering a similar scheme for criminals who hold up convenience stores, off-licences and post offices, he added, since there seems to be plenty of YouTube footage of people getting that hilariously wrong too.

“I wonder if Mad Frankie Fraser would be interested in a spot of voice-over work?” he mused.

NATO Urges Libyan Protagonists To Adopt Gaudy Colours

Refusing to apologise for yesterday’s ‘friendly fire’ airstrike on rebel tanks which killed four people, NATO urged both sides involved in the fighting to paint their vehicles in bright primary colours to prevent similar tragedies in future.

“Well, how were we supposed to know the rebels had tanks too?” demanded Rear Admiral Russ Harding, speaking from his bath in Naples. “We thought they must have been tackling Gaddafi’s armour by clambering on the back and chucking sand in the carburettor, or something.”

There, now you can spot the bad guy tank a mile away

The problem facing NATO pilots is that both sides are using ancient Russian T-72s with spots of faded green paint showing between the flaking rust patches, making it impossible to tell friend from foe.

“What you need above all in war is a jolly good colour scheme,” insisted the Admiral. “For example, in the American War of Independence our boys played fair by wearing bright red jackets, so both sides would be absolutely sure that the chap in their sights was a British soldier. We’ve air-dropped a pallet of Dulux Sea-Blue paint into rebel territory, asking them to oblige ASAP, and through diplomatic channels we have also instructed Colonel Gaddafi to paint his fighting machines bright red. Intelligence sources indicate that he can supply his own paint.”

“Ideally, both sides’ ground troops will wear these colours too,” he added. “After all, it’s in everybody’s interests to know who’s who, isn’t it?”

Asked whether Libya’s unpredictable dictator was likely to comply with his wishes, Admiral Harding pointed out: “We have every reason to believe that Colonel Gaddafi is quite familiar with the basic principles of NATO wargames. He played enough of them in England and Greece, while we were training him.”

Alternative Voting System Will Disenfranchise The Thick, Say Opponents

She can't even count her own kids, for god's sake

The ‘NO To AV’ campaign claimed today that, if introduced, the new voting system would effectively disenfranchise poor people - pointing out that they are all as thick as two short planks, and would almost certainly spoil their ballots by drawing leaking penises on them out of sheer mindless frustration.

“The poor are complete and utter fuckwits,” explained Joan Ryan, deputy director of the campaign. “They must be, or they wouldn’t be poor. There’s no way that your typical council-estate fucktard could possibly grasp the complex abstraction of putting a 1 by their first choice, a 2 by their second and so forth, because none of them can count that far.”

“Look at what happened in Australia, where they have AV,” she went on. “Last year they spoiled over five times as many ballot papers as we did. Now, we all know Australians are notoriously ignorant - but are they as pig-headedly and belligerently dense as the typical British chav? At least the Australians have got the sense to wear sunscreen.”

"This isn't us being patronising or talking down to people,” she added. “This is a fact and it is a very real concern. Many of the people who count votes up and down the land are well past retirement age, and the sudden sight of a crudely-pencilled phallus could well lead to fatalities.”

I’m Mobbed By Furtive Admirers Everywhere I Go, Whines Clegg

Between sobs, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg insisted that ordinary members of the public flocked to him everywhere he went, pushing their way through the furtive crush to whisper their embarrassed support for his fearless disregard of every moral principle of the party he leads.

Mr Clegg's heart will go on reminding him of the Titanic

In a tearful interview with Jemima Puddleduck, guest editor of the No Statesman, the LibDem leader also revealed that, tragically, he has only ever played tennis with David Cameron once, despite all the hints he has dropped by turning up at cabinet meetings with a Dunlop sports bag and wearing a sweatband.

“I’m a human being,” sniffed Mr Clegg, as the emotional grunts of Celine Dion played in the background. “I’m not a punchbag, Dave, I’ve got feelings.”

Finally breaking down completely, Mr Clegg ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom, wailing, “Imagine how I feel when my children come up to me and innocently ask me: ‘Why are you such a gutless opportunist, papa?’”