Fat Bastards Dare To Complain About Being Told To Lose Weight By Concerned Members of the Public

Fat people who are fed up with being told to lose some fucking weight were told today to shut the fuck up and lose some fucking weight.

In a special 'Inside Out' documentary entitled 'Christ, Look At The Size of That', several whining gut-buckets with no self-respect or willpower will be seen waddling up to a camera and bleating about decent, caring folk who express their concerns for the health of the lard-arsed by leaning out of their car windows and shouting "You fat cunt" at them in a well-intentioned effort to convince them to lose some fucking weight.

Ordinary thin people who are absolutely free from all flaws and vices will be horrified into nervous guffawing laughter at the sight of a wobbling minger who was beaten up on a train on account of her hideous rolls of fat. They will then make various witty comments about how lucky the attackers were not to disappear into the quivering mound of flab when they punched her, suggest that assaulting people is wrong whatever the circumstances but conclude that the victim was responsible for her ordeal for letting herself go out in public looking like that in the first place. They will then feel smugly superior and switch over to watch thin people being unpleasant to each other in EastEnders.

"Perhaps now she'll lose some fucking weight," said a BBC spokesman.

Santa Poised To Join Postal Workers' Strike

Angry postal workers have responded angrily to the news that Royal Mail bosses are seeking to break their impending strike with a Jobcentre-supplied army of 30,000 unemployed graduates, by persuading Father Christmas to join their planned industrial action.

"Santa is, as we all know, in the same line of work as our threatened members," explained Communication Workers' Union general secretary Billy Hayes. "I have been to the North Pole to put our position to him, and the venerable old gentleman has kindly agreed not to deliver any Christmas presents to the nation's kiddies unless this intransigent management starts taking our demands seriously."

"Then he sat me on his knee and asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so of course I said 'Mandelson's head on a spike'," he added. "He laughed and said if I was a bad boy he'd see what he could do."

As anti-sleigh missile launchers moved into position above the COBRA bunker deep under Central London, Lord Mandelson smilingly dismissed the dangers of decapitation by Santa - adding that, as the grandson of Labour Party legend Herbert Morrison, his own festive wish was to see the last of the hated union dinosaurs ground into the dust, finally laying to rest the awful spectre of an empowered workforce once and for all.

"It is entirely within my powers as business secretary to use the blessed Lady Thatcher's wise and just anti-union laws to sequestrate Santa's assets if he takes secondary strike action over a dispute in which he is not personally involved," he warned. "I shall not hesitate to send in a force of press-ganged doleys to seize all the toys, then task DHL and FedEx with the responsibility for delivering them all to Britain's children - or at least to a depot within fifty miles of their homes, if mummy and daddy aren't around during the daytime to sign for them."

Meanwhile, back at Santa's polar factory, the toy-making machinery stood silent as the workers downed their tools and walked out in sympathy with their postie comrades.

"Ho ho ho!" chortled the jolly bearded striker, in a rousing speech to his elves. "Mandy Mandy Mandy! Out out out!

Brown Apologises For Brief Daily Respite From Unrelieved Misery of Premiership

Prime minister Gordon Brown has apologised unreservedly to the nation this morning, after inadvertently giving the impression that he might briefly gain respite from his awful existence as a frowning picture of abject misery for one fleeting moment around eleven in the morning.

In a hard-hitting webchat with the shrewd political inquisitors of Mumsnet yesterday, a glowering Mr Brown repeatedly declined to answer probing questions concerning his favourite biscuit.

"So this is me rite - 'awrite mista president high-an-bleedin-mitey Braan or woteva ya name is - jer like Jammy Dojas innit?', an ees all 'juno me eye got rilly fukt rite playin sam fany Scotland vershun uv footy but its like nafin yeah'," said veteran interviewer Sammi-Jo, 16. "Then rite I only arst him agin like seventeen bladdy times an ees still tawkin bollocks. I wood of kep cuttin an pastin all day jenotameen, but I ad to like pick me dorta Angelina Beyoncé ap frum me mums boyfrens ahse an go fra chat wiv me probation offisa innit."

Mr Brown later had an apparent change of heart and posted a message on Twitter, telling his legions of fans that he did enjoy a chocolate biscuit for elevenses with his cup of cold water.

However, this morning Downing Street issued a further clarification, saying: "Mr Brown appreciates that it is more than Britain can bear to imagine him relishing, even for a second, the smooth taste of a chocolate digestive. He apologises for giving people the erroneous impression that he has any notion whatsoever of the concept of pleasure, and would like to reassure the nation that food, to him, is no more enjoyable than filling your car up with petrol, if you can remember the days when you could afford to."

Police Files on Law-Abiding Citizens Reaching New and Dangerously Wobbly Heights

Concerns are being raised about the amount of information the police are gathering about innocent citizens, it emerged today, after an officer had a narrow escape when a wobbly seven-foot pile of manila folders nearly toppled over on him.

The dodgy dossiers - which were only just stabilised in time by the quick-thinking application of a truncheon - contained 1500 photographs taken on demonstrations in the capital, together with masses of confidential information about innocent members of the public which the police extracted from teachers, community workers and others in a position of trust.

"Who did you say you were again?" commented a police spokesman. "Nev... that's not your real name, is it? How was your shopping trip this afternoon, sir? Good to see you're taking your own bag along - but with respect, seeing as you don't like Sainsbury's bread and you're running a bit low, wouldn't you have been better off going to Marks and Sparks instead? Now, what can I do for you?"

Civil liberties campaigners who just don't seem to realise that each and every one of us could be snuffed out in an instant warned that Britain's public surveillance measures were rapidly approaching levels formerly seen in Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union.

"That's completely ridiculous," sneered a Home Office spokesman. "This is England, for God's sake. It couldn't possibly happen here. Anyone who thinks otherwise is in serious need of re-education."

Chip-Powered Environmentalist Reaches Milestone and 32 Stone

An environmental campaigner who is trying to travel around the world in a minibus powered solely by chip fat has now reached Asia - well, Turkey, which sort of counts, technically - and 32 stone.

34-year-old Londoner Andy Gutpag set off with several sacks of King Edwards in his scrapyard-salvaged bus on September 19th. He has since travelled through France, Switzerland, Italy, Croatia, the Balkans and Greece, eating chips like billy-o, and today achieved the dual milestones of reaching the banks of the Bosphorus and getting through his first ton of potatoes.

Mr Gutpag has already faced many challenges on his journey - such as a higher rate of consumption than he originally planned for, which has prevented him from squeezing through the door since Zagreb.

"It's a type of bus that was never particularly efficient when new," he told reporters as he frantically shovelled handfuls of chips into his face. "It's noisy, uncomfortable, slow and it smells like a bus driver's armpit, but when you are using rubbish you can't expect too much."

Mr Gutpag's comments were echoed by reporters who made the mistake of standing too close to the flabby, farting campaigner.

"He's noisy, uncomfortable, slow and smells like a bus driver's armpit," said an appalled lifestyle correspondent from the Guardian. "But when you are eating rubbish you can't expect too much."

If he survives his epic journey without exploding -and after his bus has been cut away from him - Mr Gutpag hopes to circumnavigate the world again, this time in a balloon kept aloft by a non-stop barbecue and a constant supply of natural methane.

Delay Formal Lessons Until Retirement, Says Controversial Report

Children should be allowed to continue with play-based learning until they retire, says a report submitted to ministers today.

Formal lessons in the classroom should not begin until the child is old enough to express a desire to widen the scope of their prejudices by reading the Daily Mail, according to the Cambridge Primary Review. Until that time, children should be encouraged to learn in a play-based lesson format - for example, placing things on shelves in pretty patterns, or taking turns to help their classmates to wave the gaily-coloured items past a barcode-scanning toy.

"When ze liddle childrens reach an appropriate age - thirteen or fourteen, say - zey vould be encouraged to move out of ze classroom und into a more grown-up environment - say, Tesco - vere zey vill be encouraged to further zer development by playing zese educational games viz real adults for ze next fifty-five years," said the report's author, Dr Strangelove.

"Under ze cruelties inflicted by ze present system, many five-year-olds exhibit clear signs of distress ven ze teacher tells zem it is time to put away zer Ben 10, gives zem a big colourful book und begins to explain zat ze funny liddle skviggles mean something," said the respected and feared education expert. "If you delay ze teaching of ze basic literacy by a year, zen you are only delaying ze terrible trauma. Better to forego it completely, hein? Frankly, ze educations is vasted on most of zese unterkinder. It only puts ze dangerous ideas into zere liddle heads."

The government initially rejected the proposals outright, until it was explained to them by Dr Strangelove that, naturally, the elite would still be free to send their gifted offspring to be privately educated, as befits those predestined to rule.

Boyzone Reunited With Singer Gately In Death

In a touching mark of respect for their fellow bandmate, the remaining members of Boyzone - Ronan Keating, Thingummybob, Whatsisface and the other one - today accompanied the tragically dead Steven Gately into the afterlife.

Gately - the best-loved, prettiest mime artist ever to move his lips in front of a dummy microphone - met his tragically untimely end on Saturday due to entirely natural causes which had absolutely nothing whatosever to do with the extremely mild piss-up from which he had just returned.

His pretty bandmates flew out to Majorca last night, where they were movingly slaughtered and laid out side-by-side in matching caskets, prior to the tragically poignant flight back to Dublin - where they are to be buried tomorrow in a moving, tragic ceremony led by Ireland's foremost ex-teapot, Bertie Ahem, who is one of the world's foremost boy musicologists.

It is reported that, before they were lovingly and tragically put down, the grieving Boyzone members received identical tattoos. It has not been reported what the tragic tattoos represented, although 'Do not resuscitate' and 'Please dispose of plastic packaging thoughtfully' have been mentioned by music industry insiders as possibilities.

Back in Britain, Peter Kowalczyk - the man who punched Leona Lewis in the head at a book signing yesterday - has been unexpectedly released from custody, given a boxing glove and a horseshoe and put on a flight to Dublin, where music lovers are hoping he will do his level best to hospitalise numerous pretty pop luminaries as they line up tomorrow to pay their last respects to the tragically deceased Gately.

"Madonna could be a tough opponent, if she turns up," said someone with real flesh-and-blood ears. "She's like the Incredible Hulk from the neck down. Let's all hope and pray that Lily Allen is ahead of her in the queue."

Lewis' tragic fans, meanwhile, have been sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

MPs 'Challenged' on Autism

Not enough is being done in Britain for adults with autism, warned Edward Leigh MP, the chairman of the Public Accounts Committee today.

"These unfortunate sufferers do not bear any physical signs of their terrible disability, which leads many ignorant people to accuse them of being workshy scroungers who should get a job and get a life," he sighed. "But autism is a real affliction, and its effects should be more widely recognised by the community at large."

"The autistic person lives in their own little bubble," he explained. "They have real difficulty in understanding anybody else's point of view but their own. This is compounded by problems with communication. They tend to have a simplistic, literal view of the things people say. For example, when people vote for them, they automatically assume that everyone agrees 100% with everything they say in their manifesto, which soon leads to disappointment and frustration."

"Autistic people often appear insensitive to how others are feeling, especially over little everyday things like expenses claims," Mr Leigh continued. "They shy away from social contact with the general population, shutting themselves away quite happily in their second homes which are their first homes for tax purposes until flipped - and they have real difficulty in expressing emotional concepts which neurotypicals take for granted, such as shame, dignity or honour. And they just can't look ahead to what might happen in the future as a consequence of their actions."

The committee's report went on to point out that the autistic have many good qualities, which people - and especially employers - should be made aware of.

"Autistic people can be extremely creative," said Mr Leigh. "Especially when it comes to accounting, as they tend to be rather handy at juggling big numbers in their heads. They also tend to get very enthusiastic and knowledgeable about their own particular interests - such as tax regulations, or mortgage relief."

Although the prominent backbench MP acknowledged that more time spent with their families would probably enhance the victims' social skills, he urged employers to offer more job opportunities - preferably at a boardroom level - to the autistic.

"As time goes on, more and more adults with autism are likely to find themselves wandering the streets - an environment for which, sadly, their condition leaves them ill-prepared," he warned. "Please help these unfortunates to keep helping themselves."

BNP Agrees To Change Name To British Nigger-Loving Party

Faced with the threat of potentially bankrupting legal action from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, British National Party führer Nick Angriff announced that he is seeking to change the racist party's constitution so that non-whites who are tired of living can choose to join its ranks.

"As a mark of good faith, I have already used my executive powers to rename the BNP the British Nigger-Loving Party," smiled Mr Angriff, hugging a cute little Asian baby for the cameras before dropping it in the trash compactor. "I have drafted a new constitution, in which wogs, chinks and nig-nogs will be granted membership of the party, where we look forward to standing round and cheering as they beat the living shit out of each other with crowbars for the entertainment of the superior white race."

The regulations concerning the party uniform of England t-shirt and cropped hair will also be relaxed to cater for ethnic sensibilities, said Mr Angriff.

"Wogs will be strenuously encouraged to wear loincloths and turbans as they serve char and operate the air-conditioning at party headquarters," he explained in conciliatory tones. "Darky members will be sporting denim dungarees with a straw hat and leg-irons, while our inscrutable contingent can dress like real human beings as long as they top off the ensemble with a conical hat and three-foot whiskers. You see, the white masters can be quite accommodating."

The new measures are being put before the party's rank-and-file members, who are said to be studying them intently in the hope that the funny black squiggly lines will mean something if they stare at them long enough.

The BNP's website has already been inundated with application enquiries from every member of every ethnic minority in Britain, who have worked out that eight million of them joining the BNP could make life quite interesting for the party's 10,000 current members.

'I Am Bloody Useless', Admits Tesco Boss

Speaking through his arse, Tesco chief executive Sir Terry Leahy admitted today that, while he may be very good at sitting back with his feet up on his executive desk as he watches profits piling up as a result of gradually raising the price of essential foodstuffs, when it comes to his other job of advising the government on education issues he is about as much use as a triangular wheel on a unicycle.

The unexpectedly frank confession occurred about halfway through a speech to the Institute of Grocery Distribution. As Sir Terry was enthusiastically berating the illiterate, grunting dullards he employs for being thicker than fossilised dinosaur excrement, it suddenly dawned on him that, as a senior advisor to the Labour government on education policy, the poor standard of school leavers might in some way reflect badly on him.

Up until the moment of realisation, the captain of industry had been cheerfully outlining the "woefully low" standards in schools, which he blamed squarely on the government's policy of allowing too many agencies and bodies to interfere in the day-to-day running of schools.

"What kind of blithering fuckwit could possibly commend such a monumental balls-up of an education system to ministers?" he demanded, before pausing and turning red in the face.

"Bollocks," said the sheepish Sir Terry, as delegates coughed diplomatically to cover the embarrassing silence. "I wish I'd thought of this yesterday, while I was writing this little rant."

"Crikey," he concluded, after another pause for reflection. "If I wasn't wearing this expensive Ralph Lauren suit, you might be forgiven for thinking that I look like some kind of brainless twat."