Angry postal workers have responded angrily to the news that Royal Mail bosses are seeking to break their impending strike with a Jobcentre-supplied army of 30,000 unemployed graduates, by persuading Father Christmas to join their planned industrial action.
"Santa is, as we all know, in the same line of work as our threatened members," explained Communication Workers' Union general secretary Billy Hayes. "I have been to the North Pole to put our position to him, and the venerable old gentleman has kindly agreed not to deliver any Christmas presents to the nation's kiddies unless this intransigent management starts taking our demands seriously."
"Then he sat me on his knee and asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so of course I said 'Mandelson's head on a spike'," he added. "He laughed and said if I was a bad boy he'd see what he could do."
As anti-sleigh missile launchers moved into position above the COBRA bunker deep under Central London, Lord Mandelson smilingly dismissed the dangers of decapitation by Santa - adding that, as the grandson of Labour Party legend Herbert Morrison, his own festive wish was to see the last of the hated union dinosaurs ground into the dust, finally laying to rest the awful spectre of an empowered workforce once and for all.
"It is entirely within my powers as business secretary to use the blessed Lady Thatcher's wise and just anti-union laws to sequestrate Santa's assets if he takes secondary strike action over a dispute in which he is not personally involved," he warned. "I shall not hesitate to send in a force of press-ganged doleys to seize all the toys, then task DHL and FedEx with the responsibility for delivering them all to Britain's children - or at least to a depot within fifty miles of their homes, if mummy and daddy aren't around during the daytime to sign for them."
Meanwhile, back at Santa's polar factory, the toy-making machinery stood silent as the workers downed their tools and walked out in sympathy with their postie comrades.
"Ho ho ho!" chortled the jolly bearded striker, in a rousing speech to his elves. "Mandy Mandy Mandy! Out out out!
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