MPs To Celebrate Eradication of Cigarettes With Massive Drinking Binge

The government has finally succeeded in wishing cigarettes out of existence, after nodding through a series of anti-smoking measures on their third reading without going through all that tiresome rigmarole of voting. MPs - who welcomed the measure as a way of kicking the public back, after finding out how much of their expenses they were being forced to repay - were said to be celebrating their victory this lunchtime by raiding the House of Commons cellars and drinking to the health of the nation, with rows of tequila slammers lined up in the Members' Bars.

Under the proposals, newsagents will only be allowed to sell cigarettes if they can conjure them out of a hat placed discreetly under the counter, in the unlikely event that anyone should want a packet and name a brand correctly. The wall behind the counter presently covered with cancer sticks will, by 2013, be filled instead with Mr Richard Desmond's educational anti-discrimination magazines extolling the virtues of Asian Babes and the Over 40s.

Any diehard smokers foolish enough to persist in their vile perversion will be forced at all times to wear a sandwich board proclaiming "I AM A TWAT" on the front, with an exhortation on the back to "KICK ME", and to ring a handbell warning decent people that they are at large. Meanwhile, their homes will be marked out with a white cross in chalk on the front door and they will be forbidden from receiving visitors, while their names and addresses will be made available by the police in the hope that intolerant vigilantes will hack them to death with machetes.

Backbench Labour MP Ian McCartney, who tabled the amendment to the Health Bill, told MPs that tobacco was "the only product in Britain that can be sold legally, which routinely kills and injures its bastard customers."

"Alcohol, private vehicles, kitchen cutlery, garden equipment, DIY tools, baths, stairs, food and high-strength prescription medication are, of course, completely safe in all circumstances," he cautioned as he slid to the floor, adding: "Hic."