Plans to force cigarette sales under the counter are being considered by the government, in an attempt to cut smoking and discourage children from taking up the habit.
The proposals include the removal of cigarettes from shop displays, and the elimination of vending machines, but easing restrictions on the sale of nicotine replacements.
Public Health Minister Dawn Primarolo said: “It is a well-known fact that the only reason children smoke is that they see a wall of deadly cigarette packets behind the newsagent every time they buy a nice, healthy bar of cocoa-flavoured fat or a life-adding bottle of dilute phosphoric acid. Their innocent minds are subtly bombarded by these gaily-coloured packets with their hip, cool catchphrases such as ‘Smoking kills’, ‘Tobacco makes your unborn child grow up hating you’ and ‘People will laugh and point at you when you smoke’ - and before they know it they are addicted, with raddled lungs, toxic breath and cancer of the entire body. They’re lucky if they don’t dissolve in a reeking puddle of tar on the spot. Smokers are sick, child-murdering drug dealers, and it is the duty of every right-thinking person to hunt the perverts down and string them up immediately.”
Twitching Lottery scratchcard addicts, meanwhile, have expressed some concerns about the plans, fearing that, if every smoker in the queue has to ask what brands are in stock, each transaction is likely to take most of the day.
Smokers’ groups have also poured scorn on the scheme, saying: “What next? Is this grim, sour-faced old bag going to claim that the merest sight of an adult with a cigarette makes children instantly addicted? Why not just ban all smoking in the streets and the home, Ms Hitlerolo, and introduce a shoot-to-kill policy while you’re at it?”
They were then interrupted by a five-minute coughing fit.
“Good idea,” said Mrs Primarolo. “Let me write that down.”
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