Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Assole Arrest Causes Internet Burst

He's already been put aboard the alien mother ship. FACT
The internet burst today, as all of the available bandwidth in cyberspace was swamped by an unprecedented flood of uninformed yet insightful outrage from the English-speaking world’s army of conspiracy theorists concerning the arrest of Julian Assole, the Wikileaks founder and top nutter-prophet.

Before the internet exploded, all of the world’s free thinkers were united in saying that it is now only a matter of time before their new high priest Mr Assole is dragged to evil Sweden, where it is a foregone conclusion that he will mysteriously die screaming in agony in the cruel ‘blood eagle’ sacrifice ritual whilst helping bloodthirsty police berserkers with their inquiries.

It has also been determined by millions of people who know more than you do that Mr Assole’s bloody carcass will then be flown to Russia, where it will be beaten to an unrecognisable pulp by a crazed Vladimir Putin. It will then travel to Saudi Arabia, where its mangled hands will be chopped off. The remainder will then be shipped to China and shot by dozens of firing squads, and the remaining bits will be gathered up in a binbag for extraordinary rendition to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution.

A few sheep who raised their voices to suggest that perhaps Mr Assole might have perhaps been hoist by his own petard after shamelessly courting publicity to become the instantly-recognisable public face of the Wikileaks organisation were collectively scorned before their pitifully unenlightened comments were finally squeezed out of sides of the cracking internet by the unceasing squeals of the tinfoil hat community.

In the unlikely event that Mr Assole lives, self-appointed experts suggest that he will end his days as a team captain on a weakly satirical news quiz, a tool of the very establishment of which he will unconvincingly claim to be a critic.

“You know - like Ian Hislop,” tweeted several thousand fiercely-independent members of the paranoid hive mind collective. “He went to a public school, you know. They all have lunch together once a week, that lot.”

“FACT,” they chorused.

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