Public Demanded Me Talking Out Of My Backside, Insists May

Do you remember asking for this? No, me neither

Home secretary Theresa May today defended the reeking clouds of foul stench which she has been energetically pumping out of her arse since returning from her agreeable holiday, claiming that they are exactly what the public is clamouring for.

“At times of national crisis, what the British people want - and have every right to expect - is politicians striking Ramboesque poses and threatening crackdowns of medieval savagery which they know perfectly well they cannot deliver,” explained the home secretary’s backside, after clearing her sphincter and half the briefing room. “That’s why I ordered the nation’s police chiefs to carry on with their plans to deploy extra forces and cancel leave. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have any authority to do so. What matters is that I look jolly important, because what sort of sorry state would the country be in if the public didn’t have complete faith in its politicians?”

At this point, the briefing was brought to a premature halt by an unexpected follow-through – which was promptly scooped up by delighted tabloid reporters and smeared all over their papers.