You and I are the only people not to be honoured by Gordon Brown - in a desperate attempt to buy himself some friends - in the Queen's Birthday Honours List, published yesterday.
You missed out on a meaningless medal because I didn't nominate you, and I missed out because apparently it's considered "bad form" to nominate oneself.
And you sure as hell didn't nominate me.
"I am, naturally, moved to tears by the knighting of Christopher Lee's pointy teeth," I told myself in an exclusive interview with the Nev Filter. "And I'm sure Delia Smith richly deserves her CBE for telling us all how to boil an egg. But I can't help thinking that, although it is the satirists who alone keep this country from erupting into mass civil strife by providing a much-needed safety valve to diffuse the towering resentment of the disenfranchised masses, yet again I have been completely overlooked by the humourless establishment drones who really run this fatuous charade."
"I blame my readers," I continued bitterly. "If just one of the literally 141 people who claim to read my blog occasionally had written to the Prime Minister singing my praises, I'd almost certainly be on the train to Buckingham Palace right now, wearing my best trilby, ready to give the Queen the benefit of my well-informed opinions. Well it's their loss, not mine. If they think I'm going to remember them next time round, they can forget it, the ungrateful bastards."
"Go on, what about an MBE?" I added hopefully. "There must be a spare one lying about somewhere."
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