Film Critics Divided Over New Israeli Blockade-Buster Hit

Newly-released movie ‘Pirates of the Mediterranean’ opened around the world this morning to mixed reviews, with an enthusiastic thumbs-up from Israel’s filmgoers tempered by brickbats from critics in Britain, Denmark, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Sweden and Turkey.

The boisterous sea-going romp features an outnumbered band of jolly ne’er-do-wells (the Israeli Commandos, led by stylish, charming heart-throb Johnny Depp) on a madcap mission to intercept deadly humanitarian treasure before it falls into the clutches of evil, moustachio-twirling Palestinian civilians.

“The wobbly camera-work follows the regrettable modern fad of foregoing the use of a Steadicam to generate a spurious feeling of authenticity,” said a Foreign Office reviewer in London. “However, the feisty action sequences - in which a handful of jolly pirates, armed to the teeth and decked out their traditional striped handkerchiefs – cheefully leap into action against literally hundreds of club-wielding passengers are brilliantly choreographed. There’s a lot of killing, needless to say - but concerned parents will be relieved to learn that the blood-letting mostly takes place off-screen.”

The film is set in international waters, against a historical backdrop of Israel’s unilateral blockade of the lawless Gaza Strip. The plot - which some critics say is lost completely - involves a Turkish galleon setting sail to beat the blockade with its fabulous treasure of K-rations and sticking plasters, fiercely guarded by a rag-tag crew of six hundred peace-crazed ruffians scoured from the four corners of the globe. The boarding party of cheeky Israeli pirates sets off in a motley flotilla of leaky helicopters and wormy inflatables, determined to intercept the lumbering galleon and seize the prized aid before it can succour the desperate Palestinian hordes.

“Our happy-go-lucky heroes aren’t afraid of anything,” said enthusiastic fan Binyamin Netunyahu, who is proud of his huge collection of pirate toys. “Least of all what the world thinks of them.”

The world is already looking forward eagerly to a sequel, in which the US leads a huge fleet of heavily-armed men-o-war into the area to prevent any further acts of wanton piracy and bring the dashing cut-throats to justice. However, film buffs are predicting a long and disappointing wait.