Alcohol A Factor In 44% Of Ulster Arrests, Claims Pissed Justice Minister

Mind how you go now, y'bastud

Northern Ireland’s justice minister, David Ford, gravely warned the Stormont Assembly today that drink was a factor in 44% of arrests in the province before slumping, insensible, to the floor and soiling himself.

“Ash I undershtand it, the proposhalsh for minimum unit prishing conshentrate on the health conshy… cuntsy… stuff. Hic,” he slurred to worried MLAs. “In my reshponsh to the reshent public conshtipation on thish issue I did, however, recognishe that there are pretentioush criminal jushtish benefitsh to removing cheap alcoholic drinksh, as the poleesh admit that the Guinnesh wash a contribatory fuctor in 44% of their arreshts. What the fuck are yoush looking at?”

A spokesman for the Police Service of Northern Ireland later insisted that the Nev Filter was his best friend in the whole world, several times, before trying to arrest it over the telephone.