Saturday, 16 April 2011

Despicable Gaddafi Stoops To Firing Exploding Kittens Into Rebel-Held Territory

Run like fuck
Colonel Gaddafi is such a bastard that he has now resorted to stuffing nitroglycerine-laced kittens into a tube and firing them out of mortars, insisted a photojournalist who also happens to be a munitions expert. The twisted tyrant’s last defiant hope is that the dazed, piteously mewing kittens will be picked up by tender-hearted rebel children, only to explode murderously when cuddled.

“This use of banned pet-based munitions shows the world exactly what a sick fuck Gaddafi is,” said Human Rights Watch, one of whose photographers saw three mortar shells burst in the air and drew the only possible conclusion.

“You know, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this were God’s own truth,” said a NATO spokesman. “In fact, we wouldn’t put it past Gaddafi to put tiny mustard-gas canisters inside Kinder Surprises and cynically catapult them into rebel-held playgrounds. He really is a shit, and this is exactly why we are so keen to interpret UN Resolution 1973 as some sort of mandate for regime change.”

He went on to explain that there is no way that what the photographer saw could have been nothing more sinister than normal air-burst mortar shells exploding over the heads of enemy forces through the use of a simple time fuse, which – according to a few hundred thousand sources - have been widely used since the First World War.

“My word, what an active imagination you’ve got,” he laughed scornfully. “No, it can only be clusterkittens. Anything else is pure science fiction.”

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