Cameron’s Middle East Message Of Hope: ‘Anybody Need More Ammo?’

It's got a very democratic price tag, sir

David Cameron hailed the historic democratic protests sweeping through the Middle East yesterday, and gave a solemn pledge to sell guns, bombs, heavy artillery, tanks, fighter-bombers, assault helicopters and all the ammunition they can carry to anyone who can come up with the necessary.

“Too often in the Middle East, politics is seen as a false choice between repression and extremism,” he told potential buyers, as his entourage of arms trade reps set up their stalls in Kuwait. “But let me make it clear that, although Britain has a long and honourable tradition of arming both, we’ll gladly sell cutting-edge hardware to anybody in between who’s got the readies.”

“And if you should happen to find yourself a bit strapped for cash at the moment, just see the chap on the Export Credits Guarantee Department stand and he’ll probably work something out for you,” he oozed ingratiatingly. “Britain’s taxpayers never quibbled about coughing up the moolah when you were barmy dictators, remember - so imagine how much more generous they’ll feel if you take the trouble to bleat a few pro-democracy phrases for five minutes before you go sticking your shiny new arsenal in your people’s faces!”

Meanwhile, foreign secretary William Hague urged Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi to either step down immediately in accordance with the wishes of his beleaguered people, or stock up on competitively-priced artillery shells while Mr Cameron was in the neighbourhood.