Saturday, 26 February 2011

Iain Duncan Smith Ecstatic At Dawn Of Woman-Milking Industry

Oi'm exhibitin' 'ee up county show, me beauty
As a Covent Garden restaurant sold out of its first batch of £14 ice-cream made from breast milk, Iain Duncan Smith performed a little dance of pure joy at the discovery of a hitherto-untapped job market into which Britain’s legions of workshy council estate breeders can be forced.

“Generations of manky slappers have been getting away with the unpardonable sin of deliberately getting up the duff so they can dodge work for years on end,” declared the jubilant work and pensions secretary. “They drop a litter every year until their poor aunt Jemima turns itself inside out through overuse, jumping to the top of the housing queue and grabbing every benefit going until the state finally deems that their youngest is probably capable of wiping its own bottom, at the age of seven.”

“Well, here’s a job for which they are uniquely qualified,” he crowed. “I see a modern milking shed on every inner-city estate, into which these milk-heavy young sluts can be rounded up twice daily with the aid of an enticing trail of celebrity tat magazines. Nestl√© have already expressed an interest, if you’ll pardon the pun, and have even put forward the jolly good suggestion that significant economy-of-scale benefits would accrue if intensive battery-farming techniques were to be applied.”

“All you need is a large-screen telly at the end of the shed showing the entire Jeremy Kyle oeuvre on shuffle play,” he added. “They’ll be as happy as Larry.”

Mr Duncan Smith went on to outline plans to phase out dairy farming completely, freeing up millions of acres of valuable pasture for the country’s supermarkets to build on.

When asked how the milkers’ own young would be catered for, the enraptured secretary of state replied: “I am not a cruel man. Each member of the herd would be allowed to suckle its own calves at allotted times, with a commensurate deduction from their wages. In fact, Robert Wiseman’s have said they would even be prepared to offer discounted special feed, in a scientific effort to improve the yield of future generations of heifers.”

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