Cameron Announces National Closing-Down Sale

If you want the books too, squire, you can have the lot for a quid

‘For Sale’ posters have been put up on all public services this morning, following prime minister David Cameron’s announcement this morning that Britain was finally being broken up and sold for scrap.

“Roll up now, gents, roll up!” shouted Mr Cameron, striding around the Square Mile and banging a large drum. “Everything must go! Don’t miss these once-in-a-lifetime bargains! Come on, what am I bid for this lovely library? It might be a bit old, sir, but it’s almost in mint condition – only been used by one little old lady!”

Hedge fund managers and private equity investors were soon flocking around Mr Cameron and haggling for special deals, such as a free hospital thrown in if they took a job lot of schools off his hands.

“Don’t miss the next lot – a complete set of planning officers, with a matching set of building inspectors!” he urged his eager punters. “Wouldn’t they look lovely, all sat in a row on a big supermarket chain’s mantelpiece? And there’s oodles of money to be made from social services, ladies and gents! Why put those at-risk kids into expensive care homes, when you can offer the parents a buyback deal with a tidy mark-up for your trouble?”

“Any offer considered!” shouted Mr Cameron above the hullaballoo. “The whole lot’s got to go! It’s a crying shame to see good public services thrown on the scrapheap, but that’s what’ll happen to any stock I can’t shift! A fiver for waste collection services, madam? Lovely jubbly!”