RAF Put Me On Hold, Claims Cameron

Brize Norton, my aunt Fanny

Prime minister David Cameron today apologised for delays in evacuating British nationals trapped in battle-scarred Libya, blaming an RAF call centre in India for leaving him in limbo every time he rang up to try and book a Hercules to fly them out.

“When, after three days of listening to bloody sitars and whatnot, I finally got put through to an operator – a Flight Lieutenant Ramprakash, apparently, who swore blind that he was based in Brize Norton even though I distinctly heard a cow mooing in the background – first of all he tried to fob me off with a piddly little Slingsby trainer,” spluttered Mr Cameron furiously. “When I said that just wasn’t bloody good enough, he jabbered some likely tale about the RAF’s transports currently all being tied up in Afghanistan or some other stupid place I’ve never heard of.”

“I just told him to get off the bloody line and give me his supervisor,” fumed Mr Cameron. “When this Group Captain Hari character came on the line, I told him that I was paying his bloody wages one way or another, and he’d sodding well better get a Hercules into Tripoli first thing this morning come hell or high water or I’d put bloody Watchdog on his case and he could bleat his sob story to Anne Robinson on national TV.”

“And that’s after I tried Ryanair,” added the purple-faced prime minister. “Don’t get me started on that saga. I’ve got bloody Irish jigs coming out of my arse.”