Newspapers Strangely Not Spreading Panic About Deadly Ink In Newspapers

Deadly poisonous crap

The yawning British public opened their newspapers this morning at the breakfast table, to be confronted with screaming headlines urging them to put rubber gloves on straight away, take the box of Cornflakes outside, douse it in petrol and burn it if they wanted to live.

Under huge headlines such as ‘DON’T DIE OF CARDBOARD’, ‘RECYCLING IS EVIL CANCER PLOT’ and ‘LABOUR’S DEADLY CARDBOARD LEGACY’ the best scientific minds working in the newpaper industry applied their 2:2s in Journalism Studies to the vital task of persuading the public that recycled cardboard packaging is the silent killer in the kitchen, and their editors to give them a paid job at the end of their internship.

Not deadly poisonous crap

The murderous cereal packets – made from an evil, recycled effluent which science is calling ‘newsprint’ - kill their victims slowly and painfully, warned all newspapers, by exuding black, treacly ink through the completely harmless plastic liner to coat your favourite breakfast munchies, at which point a chemical reaction or something occurs and renders the lethal slime both invisible and intangible.

The newspaper industry says it has top people working round the clock to discover the cynical and utterly unethical origin of this incredibly poisonous material known only as ‘newsprint’, for which there is no cure.

Independent researchers, meanwhile, are pointing out that they have been warning for years about the toxicity of the Daily Mail in particular.

“If Daily Mail rot gets into your system it stays there, narrowing your views, hardening your heart, tightening your sphincter and shrinking your brain to the size and texture of a walnut,” warned the Nev Filter’s resident biochemist. “It’s the most corrosive substance known to science. Don’t touch it.”