Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Angry Police Vow To Hit Protesters Even Harder

Rank-and-file police officers angrily condemned proposals to slash £60m off their jollies, as announced in Tom Winsor’s independent review of their pay and conditions published today, and warned that they would be forced to vent their rage by hitting protesting students, trade unionists and particularly the disabled even harder than they do already.

Make their day

“For silly reasons of law and order, Britain’s police are cruelly denied the basic human right to mount public protests or go out on strike,” pointed out a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. “This explains our natural antipathy towards anyone who not only does have the right to protest, but has the bloody cheek to exercise it right under our noses.”

“It’s provocation, that’s what it is,” he added, “And when some lah-di-dah prick in a suit tells our lads they can forget claiming a night’s overtime just for answering a phone call, well, they’re going to be a mite peeved and ramp their already rather generous definition of ‘minimum force’ up another notch or two. It’s only human nature.”

Until their demands for continued freebies and treats are met in full, officers will be implementing the following set of on-the-spot penalties to be applied to demonstrators whose sole aim is to piss off a copper:

- For protesters standing on the edge of a moving crowd of placard-wielding lefties: ‘steely glare’ to be upgraded to ‘pointing at troublemaker, baring teeth and repeatedly slapping truncheon into palm of hand’;

- As above, but crowd is kettled: from ‘shouting “Step the fuck back now, Trotsky”’ to ‘removing offending article’s front teeth with edge of riot shield’;

- As above, but protester is unable to move: from ‘administering light taps with truncheon’ to ‘attempting ad-hoc lobotomy with truncheon and, once patient is unconscious, steel-capped boot’;

- As above, but protester is also disabled: from ‘drag sponger across cleared road’ to ‘drag sponger to nearest busy road and leave in path of oncoming bus’;

- Protester dies from injuries just to spite police: from ‘repeating stock platitude “lessons will be learned” whilst crying with the aid of an onion in court’ to ‘fitting explosive belt to corpse of deceased and planting kiddie porn on their computer’.

“I’m sure the public will be behind us 100% on this one,” said the spokesman. “In fact, the lads are all hoping people will take to the streets to show their solidarity with us.”

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