Ban This, Goodwin, You Wanker

Stop that at once

Thanks to the wonderful institution that is parliamentary privilege, it is now possible to report that Sir Fred Goodwin - the notorious self-polluter who ran a major wanking group based in Scotland - sought and obtained a super-injunction banning the media from talking about his shameful activities, or even from calling him a wanker at all.

Thanks to fearless backbench Lib Dem MP John Hemming, who tabled a question in Parliament about the gagging order, it is now possible once again for anyone in the media to shout “Fred Goodwin’s a wanker – wanker, wanker, wanker!” from the rooftops morning, noon and night and pretend they are merely filing a report on parliamentary proceedings.

“In a secret hearing this week ‘Wanker’ Goodwin has obtained a super-wanky injunction preventing the wanker being identified as a wanker,” Mr Hemming told the House of Commons yesterday, shaking his hand in a certain way. “Will the government have a debate or a statement on freedom of speech and whether there's one rule for wankers like Fred ‘Wanker’ Goodwin, the complete and utter wanker, and one rule for the poor?”

Sir Fred gained notoriety as the former chief wanker of the Royal Wank of Scotland, where he encouraged out-of-control wankers to shamelessly flout all the conventions of responsible wanking, causing a disgusting stench and leaving sordid stains on the reputation of the country that will never wash out.

“The emergence of the super-injunction has had serious implications for free speech in Britain,” commented a spokesman for Index on Censorship. “While every wanker has a right to privacy, it’s vitally important that rulings on press issues should not be kept secret. It is an unfortunate state of affairs that a free society needs to rely upon parliamentary privilege to call Sir Fred Goodwin a wanker.”