Wills Urged To Challenge Wicked Duke To Mortal Combat

Britain’s newspapers spoke with one voice today, urging the dashing, handsome Prince William to restore his family’s tarnished honour by throwing down the gauntlet to his evil uncle Andrew, the Duke of York, and challenging him to single combat.

Experts say this is how the duel would probably look

Despite winning public support from Cameron the fool, black-hearted Prince Andrew has recently vexed the kingdom’s ministers sorely by allying himself openly with an evil paedomancer and a Saracen princeling, blasphemously neglecting his holy mission to sell sharp-edged English ironmongery to the sultans of Araby.

“Ye natiouns yonge darling ys William yclept; / Yvil Andreue, his eem, moot he outrely bet,” proclaimed herald Geoffrey Chaucer in Ye Sonne. “With blade of Chynooke he moot smite hym somdel / And, as God ys his fere, ye trewe squier mowe preuaile.”

Tournament experts say that William is a “ful felowe”, his strength and dexterity honed to perfection by service in the forces of the Queen. However, they warned that Andrew – dextrously massaged to peak firmness by his 17-year-old squiress - will undoubtedly try to turn his bulk to his advantage, battering away at his young challenger with swingeing blows from his fearsomely-spiked ski-mace.

Scribes up and down the land have been quick to outline the potential spoils of victory, should plucky William take to the field and conquer his baleful uncle.

“Myn conseil to Wills,” suggested Mr Chaucer, “(May he take it or lete): / Maken quike fornicacioun with lusty made Kate.”