Sunday, 28 November 2010

Snow And Ice Not Ideal Tractive Road Material, Reveals Met Office

God help them if you're coming the other way
Motorists have been warned tonight by Met Office scientists that the reason roads are traditionally made of tarmac and concrete, not snow and ice, is that snow and ice offer substantially lower grip than tarmac and concrete.

“We thought we’d better make this crystal clear,” said a weather forecaster, “Because although you might think you have a brain, every passing day adds to a growing body of evidence that, in fact, you don’t.”

“Take that stick thing behind the steering wheel,” he suggested. “If you flick it up or down, it makes pretty orange lights flash on your car which give other road users some idea of your intention - thus allowing them an opportunity to give you the necessary space to complete your manoeuvre safely. Unfortunately, the only communication which you appear to understand is a loud honking noise which tells other drivers that you are, like the rest of them, a complete fuckwit who doesn’t use the stick thing. They in turn honk back in agreement, acknowledging your status as a fellow fuckwit.”

“So forgive us if we sound a bit patronising,” he added. “Next week - if your heads can take it - I’ll explain how you can see the road a bit better by pointing your headlights at it, instead of employing them to blind the driver who has had the bare-faced cheek to put his car between you and what you seem to think is your due entitlement to first place in some sort of death race.”

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