Nation Faints On Learning Duke Of York Takes After His Father

A chimp off the old block

The population of the United Kingdom swooned en masse this morning, on hearing that Prince Philip’s congenital lack of a brain has been inherited by one of his sons.

According to leaked US diplomatic memos, the duct tape somehow fell off his Prince Andrew’s mouth as he was amiably shaking hands with Kyrgyzstan’s leading murderers, blurting out a string of half-assed opinions before shocked aides managed to bundle him into his padded limousine.

The most spectacularly unformed thought to have seeped out of the Duke of York during the brief scuffle saw him calling the police “idiotic” for having the bloody cheek to look into British Aerospace’s jaw-dropping bribes to his very good friends, the Saudi royal family.

Business secretary Vince Cable later apologised for the Duke of York, stressing that the British government took bribing the Saud family very seriously indeed, which was why it squashed the investigation.

“Look, nobody in their right mind would buy BAe’s crappy jet fighter-bombers without a sodding great kickback,” he pointed out. “We would like to assure our corrupt Saudi friends that future nine-figure bungs will be hushed up just as before.”

“Would you like the Duke’s tongue cut out?” he offered helpfully.