We Clean Forgot Top-Secret Military Space Plane Was Up There, Insists USAF

The US Air Force is steadfastly insisting that it clean forgot all about its top-secret X-37B space vehicle, leaving it innocently orbiting the Earth for seven months, until a telesales operator from NASA cold-called them to ask if they wanted to book any more launches.

Nothing sinister about the X-37B at all

The unmanned X-37B spacecraft was launched on a secret mission from NASA’s Cape Canaveral site back in April; but, according to a USAF general who declined to give his name, shortly after the nine-metre craft entered orbit its mission controller was distracted by the arrival of a health and safety assessor, and the vehicle and its unspecified mission subsequently slipped his mind completely.

“We’re currently debriefing the poor schmuck,” admitted the general, “But for the life of him he can’t recall what he sent it up there for. Well, now that it’s landed safely at one of our airbases in California, he can open it up – we found the key at the back of his desk drawer, thankfully, at the bottom of a box of rubber bands – then take a peek inside the cargo bay and, with a bit of luck, see if there’s anything there that might jog his memory.”

Sceptical amateur astronomers have claimed that the X-37B may have been on some underhand surveillance mission, however, pointing out that it has been orbiting at an altitude of 255 miles - a zone typically reserved for spy satellites - and passing over trouble spots including North Korea and Afghanistan once every four days for the full seven months.

“My, my,” gasped the general. “Has it really? Now ain’t that the damnedest thing.”