Popular social yammering site Twitter is teetering on the edge of economic collapse today, after people's polymath Stephen Fry issued a shock statement that he would be refraining from twatting for the next few months. Investors promptly reacted to the loss of Twitter's main user by dumping millions of now-worthless shares.
The legendary actor, wit, writer, comedian, genius, explorer, philosopher, historian, Mac user, occasional Jew, quantum physicist, botty connoisseur, patroniser of Alan Davies and acceptable face of bipolar disorder announced to a shocked world that he was withdrawing from all social activity for the next few months, in order to concentrate all of his vast mental powers on a cheque from his publishers - who have been wondering lately whether he might possibly pull his erudite finger out of his Wildean arse and finally get round to capitalising on the runaway success of Moab Is My Washpot, the first volume of his autobiography.
"Gosh crikey, doesn't time fly, like an innocent young caterpillar masticating furiously - oh come come come come now, shame on you all - on the shiny purple cap of a magnificent cock-shaped rocket on Bonfire Night?" burbled Britain's venerable queen on the brainfart-sharing website. "Yet here am I, frivolously dispensing my bon mots amongst you, my adulatory Twat- academy, free gratis and for - as it seems the vulgar saying goes - absolutely bugger all, when my editor points out - quite correctly, under the circumstances - that he is paying me £7.50 per mot and - as he phrases it with admirably earthy forthrightness - he 'hasn't seen a single frigging word in twelve long sodding years' and expresses his fervent desire to - as he so pithily puts it - 'pack the bastard off to the printers' before he finally succumbs to the leering advances of lecherous old age."
Industry analysts are warning web investors of significant falls in lol, rofl and pmsl over the coming months of Frylessness.
"Alas, alack and Alan Davies! I fear it's adieu, auf wiedersehen, ave atque vale with lols aplenty from your silly old uncle Stephen," chortled the renaissance man who made the role of Kingdom his own whilst rushing round the United States in his mould-breaking travel series, If It's Tuesday Afternoon This Must Be Nebraska. "I'm bumbling offwards to trawl the fusty corridors of my vast cathedral of a brain for any side-splitting anecdotes about Rowan Atkinson or Emma Thompson that haven't already been told by everyone else - or indeed by my humble self on Twitter."
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