Tuesday 5 January 2010

Naïve Icelandic Bumpkin-in-Chief Actually Believes All That Democracy Guff

Iceland's rustic president, Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, today acknowledged a petition - signed in a matter of days by a quarter of the entire electorate - by vetoing a parliamentary decision to borrow $5bn to cover the tiny island nation's bank debts and charge it to the taxpayers.

On hearing the news, the UK government - to whom much of the money is owed - reacted with incandescent fury.

"What in the name of Christ prompted this Nordic village idiot to overthrow a perfectly reasonable business decision taken by the nation's elected career politicians and put the nation's finances to some kind of yokel referendum?" spluttered a puce-faced Gordon Brown. "Britain desperately needs the billions lost by Iceland's stupid, irresponsible bankers to replace an insignificant fraction of the hundreds of billions lost by our own stupid, irresponsible bankers."

"This dangerous democratic experiment absolutely must not be allowed to happen," concurred business secretary Lord Mandelson. "Who knows what might happen if a quarter of the British population, instead of moaning harmlessly on Facebook about how shit everything is, took it upon themselves to march up to the head of state's official residence, knock on the door, apologise for interrupting their viewing and give them a piece of their collective mind? Well, they'd be arrested or shot before they got within shouting distance, actually, but that's beside the point."

"Unlike quaint, unsophisticated Iceland, of course, as a mature democracy Britain has plenty of high walls, railings, police and armed troops to keep the peasantry away from their unelected head of state, who has neither the political power nor the will to change things anyway," commented chancellor Alistair Darling. "So you can forget any notions of giving vent to your feelings about your elected representatives letting the banks off scot-free and making you and your children pay for their cock-ups for the next fifty years or so."

"Every few years, we kindly let you decide which pack of self-serving MPs can suck up to the world of high finance in the hope of a few juicy directorships when they eventually get given the boot," he added. "That's quite enough democracy for Britain, thank you very much."

Reports that the UK is considering punitive measures against its northerly neighbour - including a puffin embargo and threatening to perform the blood eagle on Plymouth Argyle midfielder Kári Árnáson - are, as yet, unconfirmed.

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