Britain's leading celebrity orange, Katie Price, went on TV today to say that her rape by an unnamed mystery celebrity was no big deal, and she doesn't really know why she bothered to mention it in the first place.
The legendary plastic-breast carrier told Five's current affairs flagship The Wright Stuff that her startling claim that a famous celebrity had raped her - which she mentioned in passing in her hard-hitting column in the respectable newspaper OK!, before accidentally expanding on it in an interview the following issue - had been "blown out of context". She criticised the media for having the nerve to ask her who the rapist was, saying: "they just dig and dig and dig... it's been there and done now, so what do you do."
Leading linguistic experts and codebreakers have so far been unable to unravel this sentence, but continue to work round-the-clock to see if it contains any clues to the mystery rapist's identity.
"I will never, absolutely never reveal who it was wot raped me," yawned the shy, retiring owner of Britain's best-known artificial cleavage, "Cos then I might have to like prove it. Cawse, it could of bin some dead bloke. Maybe it was Gary Glitter - 'e muss be dead nah innee?"
Asked if she might consider going to the police, the much-loved orange replied, "Nah, I've got everyone's attention so wot's the point?"
"It happened absolutely years ago," she added, examining her fingernails closely. "If something happens you should go to the police. Maybe I should of done. But I'm bored wiv it all now, so widoncha like move on and ask me how I battled for years wiv Peter André's terrifying addiction to crying?"
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