Showers Give You AIDS Cancer, Say Scientists

Women who feel the need to shower themselves after every widdle are going to die horribly of AIDS cancer, according to a stark warning issued by lab-coated scientists from the University of S.C. Johnson today.

"Your shower head is full of raw faeces, which provides an ideal environment for the human papilloma virus, swine flu, flesh-eating bacteria and cancer," said Dr S.C. Johnson. "You think you're getting yourself fresh and clean, but in fact you might as well be swimming up the Ganges with your mouth open, downstream from a leper colony."

"And the lepers all have dysentery," he added.

Although shower-heads are undoubtedly the leading cause of death today, say the scientists, they are not the only killers lurking unsuspected in your house.

"Your dehumidifier is full of tuberculosis," added Dr Johnson. "And the evaporative cooler in your freezer is busily injecting bubonic plague into that two-litre tub of double-choc ice cream even as I speak."

With deadly bacteria, viruses, fungi and microscopic aliens infesting door handles, handrails and every other surface you will ever come into contact with, the only guaranteed way to avoid instant lingering death is to seal yourself inside a sterile NBC suit and pump it full of disinfectant gel, according to health experts.

"You will, of course, suffocate as your lungs fill with mint-scented gunge," advised a spokesman for the Department of Health. "But at least your death will be fresh and clean."