In the face of mounting public fury, Children's Secretary Ed Balls has moved quickly to defuse the row by offering to make a few meaningless cosmetic changes to the government's plans to label everyone in Britain a child-molesting pervert.
Parents who take part in voluntary lift-share schemes to save their poor little darlings from falling into the clutches of the armies of raincoat-clad weirdos who infest school buses and pavements expressed outrage when the government announced that they would all have to submit to a Criminal Records Bureau check, which would label them either as convicted kiddie-fondlers or potential kiddie-fondlers who just haven't been caught yet.
"How dare the government call me a paedophile!" screamed a respectable middle-class mum from the window of her Espace as she dropped her respectable middle-class daughter off at a middle-class school in Surrey which performs very respectably in the league tables. "Everybody knows that paedophiles live on benefits on inner-city sink estates in the North of England. Why don't they just round them all up and sterilise them?"
Mr Balls, however, told reporters that he was ordering a review into the Vetting and Barring Scheme, to see if there was a way of excluding nice people from its remit.
"I can't give you any specifics at present," said the sweating Balls, "But one option we're examining is a Newsagent Check. It seems to me that anyone who takes the Mail or the Express on a regular basis is obviously a normal, well-balanced individual who poses no risk at all to society."
No comments:
Post a Comment