The legendary Forces' Fuckbuddy of World War 2, Dame Vera Lynn VC DSO MC, has sold over 100 copies of her new album of tired old crap - propelling her to the top of the charts ahead of tired old crap by The Beatles and more tired old crap by Michael Jackson.
"Are you my husband?" drooled the spry 142-year-old at a press conference in the TV lounge of the White Cliffs Retirement Home. "They put poison in my tea here, they do."
The unprecedented three-digit sales figures were compiled from sources all over the south coast, including Bexhill-on-Sea, Bournemouth, Torquay and other fading resorts favoured by the nearly-dead.
"Dame Vera's sentimental warblings will always occupy a special place - sometimes the only place remaining - in the diminishing brain cells of those old enough to remember how to strip a Bren gun," said the Light Programme's Paul Gambaccini, who was originally supplied to Britain under Lend-Lease in 1941. "These old warhorses are entirely unfamiliar with such new-fangled concepts as peer-to-peer file-sharing and ripping to CD, and retain a quaint, old-fashioned belief in paying for music. Many of them have never had the pleasure of hearing the unforgettable dirges of yesteryear in this particular order, as their gramophones lack any kind of playlist function."
The 'We'll Sell Again - The Very Same of Vera Lynn' compilation includes such unforgettable classics as '(There'll Be Blue Rinses Over) The Grey Cliffs of Dorset', 'We'll Meet Again, But We Won't Recognise Each Other' and 'When They Sound The Last Dinner Call'.
However, it is feared that the album may rapidly drop out of the charts next week, after a retired RAF wireless operator told his fellow residents he thought his nephew might have one of those fancy new twin-cassette gizmos. Pound shops across southern England said they were bracing themselves for a run on their remaining stocks of C90 five-packs.
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