Italy's notorious leader, Caligulusconi, has vowed that he will not resign as First Citizen and High Priest, telling scribes that he feels "invigorated" after being stabbed thirty times and claiming that the Praetorian Guards who stabbed him were dominated by left-wing officers.
Caligulusconi - or, to give him his full Latin name, Silvio Julius Caesar Scelestus Berlusconius - has run the Roman Empire as his personal plaything, surrounded by astonishing tales of wild palace orgies, misuse of Imperial coffers, strangling his wife's accusations at birth and appointing the Whore of Babylon to the European Senate.
After Caligulusconi declared himself to be a living god and therefore above the petty laws governing mortal men, many leading Roman citizens have been living in fear for their wives. The plebs, however, remained his enthusiastic supporters due to his lavish provision of popular entertainments, featuring spectacular public displays of wobbling tits.
Lying in a rapidly-expanding pool of his own black blood, the stricken god-emperor confidently told his horrified subjects that he would "govern for five years with or without the law" and "show what stuff he was made of".
"We can see what you're made of," said a passing soothsayer. "It's all over the floor."
"Do you need me to tell you your future?" he added.
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