Rupert Murdoch has warned internet search engine providers that the world supply of outrageously-slanted news will be cut off imminently, unless they give him all their money immediately.
"Words cannot describe the physical pain I experience when I think that, every second of every day, somebody somewhere in the world is finding something out which may significantly affect their life - and yet I'm not making a single cent out of it," stormed the media tycoon, whose personal wealth is estimated at $7.5bn. "I pay 44,000 flunkies worldwide to superimpose my personal bias onto the press releases we receive every day. I want my cut."
Competing new manipulators Associated Press were quick to echo Mr Murdoch's demands, saying: "Rupert Murdoch is nothing less than a rampaging, avaricious tyrant who personifies the corrosive abuse of power without responsibility. Governments stand or fall at his merciless whim. We condemn utterly his unabashed grab for the ownership of truth itself, and entirely endorse his laudable sentiments. This item: $2000. Payment due within 28 days of publication."
A spokesman for Google, one of the search engines which is cruelly depriving Mr Murdoch of a decent living, said that the company's board of directors would give due consideration to the megalomaniac tycoon's demands after they had stooped laughing and climbed back into their chairs.
"Gosh, if News Corporation and AP stop supplying us with their twisted rewrites of the press releases they get from politicians, government officials, corporate PR departments and marketing companies, I guess we'd have to just ask them all to add us to their cc lists and email the stuff direct to us," he said. "I don't know how the hell our software systems would cope with posting information to our news pages, if it came straight from the source without a coating of right-wing prejudice added by the lackeys of some profiteering middle-man. I guess people might just be forced to start figuring out a few things for themselves, if the likes of Rupert Murdoch were to carry out their threat to stop telling them what to think."
Mr Murdoch was unavailable for further comment, a spokesman saying he was busy in the kitchen baking a tasty pie full of words from his earlier speech.
"I'm sure he'll get back to you after he's eaten it," he added humbly.
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