The carefully-managed unity of the Conservative Party coven in Manchester threatened to collapse on the first day, with Grand Imperial Wizard David Cameron struggling to maintain the momentum of his attack on the sick and disabled in the face of diehard Eurosceptics within the party demanding a referendum on Europe.
"We are not seeking to punish those who are genuinely unable to work," insisted Mr Cameron as he hastily chalked a protective pentagram around himself. "Under our caring proposals for assessing a claimant's fitness to work, a business friend of ours will take the flid's claim form, tear it up and throw the pieces across the room. If they can hop, crawl or roll themselves across the carpet to gather up the pieces, then they will be deemed fit for work and be put onto JSA, patriotically saving their country £25 a week."
"As for all the barmy nutters, they will be given a good slapping and told to pull themselves together," said Mr Cameron. "Allow me to demonstrate."
He then waved his wand, magically transporting Boris Johnson onto the stage from a fringe meeting in a nearby lapdancing club.
"I hear you've been going round saying the public should be consulted on parts of the Lisbon Treaty, Boris," he sneered, as the drooling Mayor of London pathetically banged his hands together and spluttered incoherent nonsense. "I've told you before and I'll tell you again: despite what the voices in your head tell you, there is no absolutely danger from Napoleon's mighty armies."
He then punched the sobbing, slack-jawed idiot off the conference stage and told him to "go back to London and do some bloody work for once in your life."
Mr Cameron went on to say that there was nothing to prevent the mentally incapacitated from working, as most of the party's rank-and-file supporters were managing to earn a comfortable living, despite having lost all the human warmth, emotion and capacity for rational thought from their miserable, joyless lives long, long ago.
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