Sharp-suited Tory racketeer John 'Bercsy' Siegel is ahead in the race to become the next Boss of the House of Common Criminals, after a violent first-round fight which left four bullet-riddled candidates slumped in a pool of blood.
In the heart of London's gangland, MPs suddenly pulled out their Tommy guns - and the air was briefly sundered by the staccato music of the deadly 'Westminster piano'. As the dust settled, it became clear to shocked onlookers that the crime-ridden lives of Parmjit 'The Sacred Bull' Dhanda, Richard 'Crazy Dick' Shepherd, Sir Patrick Corleone and Sir Michael 'Unlucky' Lordiano had been brutally rubbed out.
Ann Widdecapone, Meyer Beithsky, 'Mad Dog' Haselhurst, 'Legs' Beckett, 'Gaspipe' Young and 'Bercsy' Siegel are reported to have escaped the initial massacre unharmed, with Mr Siegel in a clear lead as he sped off to a safe second house in his armour-plated Packard.
Bookie Bob - who runs the numbers racket - had earlier named 'Legs' Beckett as the favourite to win, after the former Foreign Secretary made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
The forces of order and order admit that they have very few leads to go on, although they accept that organised crime may well be out of control on the mean streets of Westminster.
"We'll pin something on these characters and make it stick - even if it's a tax evasion rap," promised the city's tough-talking top lawman, Sir Paul Stephenson-il.
"On second thoughts," he added reflectively, "Maybe we won't."
"There are clear signs of resentment in the political underworld over the behind-the-scenes influence exerted by the whips," commented the BBC's first-on-the-scene crime reporter, Nick Robinson. "Not to mention the knuckledusters, the baseball bats and the concrete galoshes."
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