Despite claiming that she could not choose between her job and her religion, a devout Catholic divorcee has nevertheless chosen to quit her job at Gloucestershire Royal Hospital, rather than comply with hygiene regulations by removing a tiny dangling metal object from round her neck and putting it in her pocket.
"Oi's orways wore moy cross and oi's orways been a Godfeerin' sole," explained Helen Slapper, 43. "It be important to oi. Apart from orl that stuff 'bowt divorce, though. That be jus' a lode uv ol' mumbo-jumbo drempt up boi a bunch o' barmy owd men livin' down thurr in Palerstine 'unnerds o' yeer ago."
An informal non-disciplinary hearing with representatives from Gloucestershire NHS Trust broke down last month when Mrs Slapper suddenly pulled out her crucifix and advanced on the servants of evil, leaving them cowering in a corner at the sight of Jesus on the cross.
"Oi carnt put moy Lawrd 'n' Saveyer in me pawkit, 'ee'll get orl covered in fluff an' oi'll go to 'ell," said Mrs Slapper. "'Jeezus, 'ee do prefer to sit 'tween me knockers, 'ee tode oi so in a 'oly vision dinee."
Staff at the local Jobcentre are currently drawing lots for the difficult job of explaining with a straight face that although God may have forgiven his indignant cultist for walking out of her job as a phlebologist, the Department for Work and Pensions may be harder to convince.
"Perhaps it's for the best really," said a spokesman for the hospital. "Let's face it, if you were a patient, you might be more than a little perturbed to learn that your critical blood sample was in the hands of a woman who seems to believe in all seriousness that blood is something that dribbles out of a marble statue on feast days."
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