Dead celebrity Mackson Wackson's cardiologist, Dr Conrad Strangelove, has been taken into police custody for his own safety after first the media, then Wackson's 6.49bn fans, decided that he obviously murdered their much-loved idol.
"Shoot, man, stands to reason, don' it?" said a 43-year-old fan who had watched a few Columbo TV movies in the rare moments in his life not spent listening to Wackson's hits on repeat play. "This murderin' medic was like da las' person to see Mackson alive, so he gotta be da killah. He got da means, he got da oppatoonity - ah ain' zackly figgered out da motive yet, but ah'm workin' on it."
"An' anudder ting," he added, "I ain't worked out da udder ting, aksh'ly, ah jes' tought ah oughtta say dat, y'know?"
Meanwhile, Mr Wackson's bodyshell has been released to his pet chimp, Bubbles, after an autopsy failed to find conclusive indications of his untimely death.
"We have found traces of sunshine, moonlight and good times in Mr Wackson's tissue and body fluids," announced Harvey Wallbanger of the LA County Coroner's office, "But moonlight is completely non-toxic - while sunshine and good times, although they have some potential to be harmful, were indicated only in trace quantities, suggesting that Mr Wackson had not been exposed to either in a long time."
"It looks like the cause of death may be found in Mr Jackson's boogie, which has been removed and sent in a refrigerated box to a laboratory for further testing," he added. "The tests may take weeks, so in the meantime the Coroner's office urges the public not to jump to any - oh, too late, you already have."
Mr Wackson's relatives are expected to spend the rest of their lives in litigation over who gets what, if anything, remains of the tragic icon's fortune. Bubbles has already begun tentatively dismantling Wackson's remains, perhaps planning to auction him piece by piece on eBay as relics.
Meanwhile, sobbing fans expressed their outrage as record companies began the inevitable cynical cash-in by releasing special editions of his back catalogue. Furious fans are already pre-registering for limited-edition vinyl picture discs of his singles, where the black print is gradually scraped away by the stylus with repeated playing to reveal the white vinyl beneath, whilst true hardcore collectors are expected to angrily snap up the individually-numbered holes from the middle of every Wackson release.
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