Wednesday 24 June 2009

Asylum Seekers Strangely Reluctant To Go Home To Torture and Death

Government ministers and civil servants are scratching their heads at the failure of a £1m scheme designed to encourage asylum seekers to return to their country of origin and probable death.

"We spoke to a lot of refugees, showing them lots of lovely travel brochures extolling the great hotels, climate and beaches available in the countries that hounded and persecuted them," said Border and Immigration Minister Phil Dumbas. "But we only managed to persuade one family in Kent to return home. We saw them off at the airport and told them to send us a postcard and tell us how they were enjoying themselves. We're still waiting, actually. But the postal service in some of these countries is frankly shocking, isn't it?"

The poor results come hard on the heels of disappointing figures from a £285m scheme aimed at saving family homes from repossession, which turned out to have benefited only two families.

"Basically, this is a taste of what happens when governments hand over policymaking to the Daily Mail," said Andy Pandy of the Children's Society. "Really, these projects would be better managed if the government just drove a truck from town to town, with a man on the back shovelling out banknotes at random."

However, Mr Dumbas said he had high hopes for smaller initiatives aimed at encouraging repatriation, pointing out that a locally-run scheme in loyalist South Belfast had already persuaded many Romanians that they would rather take their chances back in their desolate shit-hole of a country - run into the ground by a barmy thug and his pig-ignorant wife for forty years, and still woefully mismanaged by a disastrous coalition of his former henchmen and organised crime lords - than spend another day in Britain.

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