Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has refused to be drawn into revealing the identity of the Stig, the show's secret test driver, despite a leak from a reliable source claiming that it was in fact Gordon Brown.
In his Sunday Times column, Clarkson told readers that the mystery figure will be seen on tonight's show, storming into the studio during the recording and removing his helmet, to the amazement of the audience and crew.
"The Stig is Gordon Brown," said a senior cabinet minister who wished to remain anonymous - let's call him Strack Jaw. "He has been beavering away quietly for years to keep Britain's petrolheads entertained, and he's really the only man for the job - but he's a naturally modest man, and he didn't want to hog the limelight. However, he's come in for a lot of entirely undeserved criticism lately, so perhaps he felt it was time for some credit where credit's due."
"Let's face it, the prime minister desperately needs a snippet of good publicity at the moment," said the BBC's Nick Robinson. "Anything, really. At this stage in his career, even a late entry into the Big Brother household would look like a political masterstroke compared to his recent appearances."
However, after he stopped laughing and climbed back into his seat, Mr Clarkson poured scorn on the suggestion.
"Gordon Brown. On my show. In a high-performance car. That would be like giving Heinrich Himmler a hedge trimmer and inviting him to officiate at your son's bar mitzvah," he spluttered. "But not as funny."
"What?" he added. "What have I said wrong now?"
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