A long-dormant colony of druids surprised revellers at Stonehenge at dawn this morning, stepping out of the tree trunks within which they had secreted themselves two thousand years ago and slaughtering everybody in sight.
"Fuuuckin' 'ell," whispered a man in a particularly silly Andean hat as he trembled in a ditch - just an innocent partygoer who only moments ago had been randomly plucking strings on some kind of balalaika. "I thought it was all like wow, look at the sun coming up, that's sooo amazing, and the sky's like red and blue at the same time, which was like rilly awesome. Then these mistletoe-covered maniacs appeared out of like nowhere and started laying into us with sickles. That was like sooo uncool."
He then screamed over an ominous dry rustling, and the line went dead.
An estimated 36,500 solstice-watchers are believed to have either been slashed to ribbons where they danced, or ritually carved to death on the blood-soaked sarsens of Stonehenge.
As he mourned the loss of his entire Time Team, who had been slaughtered on homebrew even before they were slaughtered for real, a shaken Tony Robinson said that a bloodbath was bound to happen sooner or later.
"What these raddled old hippies and middle-class students don't realise is that all that stuff about white-bearded chaps in pointy hats is a load of cobblers, largely invented by Victorian romantics," he said. "The simple fact of the matter is that the horrified Romans went to great lengths to wipe the druids and their sickening lust for human sacrifice from the face of the earth forever - and it's not like they were exactly a bunch of fainting namby-pambies themselves, if you were holding a competition for bloodthirsty public slaughter."
"Frankly, if the Roman legions were quaking in their boots at the thought of what the druids were getting up to, we should probably be thanking them for making Britain a safe place to bring your children up in, without some nutter who thinks he's a shrub snatching them from your arms and flaying them alive just for the hell of it," he added.
TV's leading high-speed archaeologist went on to suggest that the record numbers attending this year's solstice - tragically boosted by the date falling on a weekend - may have created sufficient psychic energy to awaken the murderous druids from their bark-encased refuges.
Armoured units of the British army - who had been exercising on nearby Salisbury Plain - were swiftly deployed with flamethrowers and napalm-filled shells to deal with the deadly druid threat, and soon Stonehenge's blackened stones bore mute testimony to the charred remnants of an evil death cult from the dawn of recorded history.
A punitive expedition is expected to be mounted against the Welsh National Eisteddfod in six weeks' time.
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