Man You Didn't Know And Never Met Dies

The world stopped turning last night as it emerged that a man you didn't know had died.

The entire population of planet Earth held its breath, hoping against hope that the man they had never met had been saved by the quick action of paramedics and doctors at a hospital somewhere in America. But their optimism was without foundation, as it became clear when somebody or other announced that the man was definitely dead.

All over the internet, people who had a reasonable idea of what the man looked like rounded furiously on the callous, inhuman monsters who wondered what all the fuss was about, before dropping them forever from their Friends list.

"If one more heartless bastard tries to tell me anything about the man I don't particularly want to hear, I swear I'll do time," sobbed one tear-streaked person whose existence the man had never been remotely aware of. "Even if it is true, which it isn't - and I know that for a fact because I didn't know him like they don't. That man I never met brought happiness, fulfilment and a deep emotional maturity to my life."