Saturday 20 June 2009

Ah, Gerraway, Y' Wee Shites, Shouts Prime Minister From Park Bench

Gordon Brown has spent the day sitting on a bench in Soho Square, off Oxford Street, accosting passers-by with a constant barrage of incoherent, self-pitying whinges bursting with foul language.

The PM was ejected from 10 Downing Street in the small hours of the morning by a burly policy wonk, and told to come back when he'd sobered up. Waving a half-empty bottle of cheap Scotch, Mr Brown hurled abuse at the door as it was slammed in his face. The police officer on duty pointed out that drinking in the streets was prohibited and attempted to confiscate the bottle, but the enraged prime minister smashed the bottle over his protector's head, claimed parliamentary privilege and ran away.

He was later chased out of a convenience store in Central London with a bottle of White Lightning hidden inside his jacket, before collapsing on a bench in Soho Square.

"Ahhh fuckit," rambled the Prime Minister to a little old lady as she fed the pigeons, "A' cude wauk awa' frae a' this tamorra, d'ye ken whit a'm fucken sayin'? A'm nae intes... inrets - fuckit - a' cudnae gie a shite aboot bein' in power lahk... bastuds... d'ye hae a poon' f'ra cuppa tea, hen? Aye, see you then, ye manky Sassenach snotter - ah fuckit, a've pessed masel'."

Mr Brown then took several swigs from his bottle as Metropolitan officers stood off, debating whether or not they had the authority to arrest the leader of the nation. Meanwhile, as the city came to life, several homeless residents of Centrepoint complained that the prime minister was lowering the tone of their preferred daytime haunt.

"A'm no' as greet a praesen'er o' enfer... infae... shite - or commi... canoonic... aw bollocks as a'd laek, see?" slurred the PM to a party of passing Japanese tourists, as he lowered his trousers to crap in a flower bed. "Hey! A' cud be a focken' teecha, y'unnerstaun? A' ken ivra friggen theng, a' tell ye, a've got an IQ a'll hae ye knaw. Giz a few bob, g'wan... Ah ballocks, a've shat in me crackas."

Just after eleven o'clock, Lord Mandelson arrived with a bottle of Glenfiddich and several men with large butterfly nets. After a brief skirmish in which the prime minister tried to lamp the Business Secretary and snatch the bottle, he was captured in a net, put in the back of an ambulance and driven away to an undisclosed location, believed to be either Chequers or the Priory clinic.

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