The government is to introduce group therapy into classrooms, in an effort to help teenagers to cope with the sheer misery of living in Britain. The £1m scheme is to be trialled in Bath, Bristol, Nottingham and Swindon, which have been identified as the four most depressingly godawful places in the country.
The North of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland have been exempted from the trial, said a minister, since they have been depressingly godawful for so long that their inhabitants have become used to it.
The launch of the cognitive behaviour therapy sessions coincides with the publication of a study by the New Economics Foundation which rated Britons as the most bored, tired and socially-isolated people in Europe.
"Let's face it, life in this country is absolute shit," said Nic Marks of the NEF's Centre for Well-Being. "It's just one tedious, heart-rending slog from cradle to grave, and what's it all for, eh? You're born screaming into this vale of tears, you struggle all your life surrounded by bastards at every turn, you slog your bleeding guts out for your ungrateful kids, and all you've got to look forward to at the end of it all is a whimpering, lonely death. What is the bloody point?"
Although most Britons felt surprisingly content with their shitty lot in life, putting the country sixth for overall happiness, the 18-24 age group came bottom in the whole of Europe for feelings of trust and belonging.
"Well, if I spent my entire sad existence playing World of sodding Warcraft in a darkened room with loads of other dysfunctional hermits I'll never meet, I might feel pretty well cut off from the rest of humanity too," said Mr Marks, adding: "It's only being so cheerful that keeps me going."
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