The Office of National Statistics today confirmed that yes, you do have a nose on your face.
The result of painstaking analysis of a wide range of data compiled over the last six months, the announcement confirmed the widespread fears of financial experts, householders and troglodytic hermits all over the country.
"There's been a lot of talk in the futures trading department where I work recently," said City banker James Hamer-Head. "Everywhere you looked, people were touching their faces and finding mounting evidence of some kind of cartilaginous proturberance between their eyes and their mouths. You try to ignore it at first, of course, and act like there's nothing there. With the benefit of hindsight, though, I suppose it was staring us in the face all the time."
Meanwhile the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, is urging the public to give his nasal-reduction policies time to work.
"A few million years of evolution ought to do the trick," he assured the Commons, although his voice was somewhat muffled by a heavily bloodstained gauze patch taped over the middle of his face.
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