Microsoft has stunned the worlds of IT and finance today with the shock announcement that it will eliminate 5,000 of its corporate minions worldwide, as Bill Gates is down to his last $47bn. The hapless drones are the first to be actively sacrificed in the corporation's history.
Although the majority of PC buyers are made to pay for Microsoft's bloated, hectoring operating system whether they want it or not, saddled with their crashy, slow and hack-prone internet browser and rarely taught to use any software not produced by Microsoft at school or work, in the last three months of 2008 the struggling corporation's net profit barely cleared the $4bn breadline.
"Just because we have a near-monopoly in personal and business computing, along with a vast chunk of the lucrative console market, doesn't mean your dearly-loved friend Microsoft couldn't just collapse overnight," warned chief executive Steve Ballmer, wiping away a tear with a piece of the Turin Shroud. "I implore you to consider the dire consequences that would follow. No more bug-fixes for Vista, no more emergency patches for Internet Explorer, no more closing of loopholes exploited by hackers. If we go down, I assure you, we're taking the whole damned world with us. Give us more money. Now."
"And Mac users can wipe those self-satisfied grins off their smug faces, too," he added. "Without our investment propping it up, Apple goes down the pan approximately three seconds after we do."
An angry Bill Gates - furious that any reduction in his net worth could hinder his dream of creating a chart-topping supergroup from clones of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Mozart - was later reported to be hurling thunderbolts from his mountain lair, in an effort to persuade every man, woman and child on Earth to add to the £153.96 they have each already donated to his company and obscene personal wealth.
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