Crime may have gone up as the recession bites, or it may have gone down, according to official statistics compiled from police figures. However, since the figures turn out to have been mostly dreamed up by police chiefs randomly cutting a deck of cards, there may actually be no crime at all, or we may all have been murdered by feral terrorist hoodies with knives.
A police spokesman for the 18 forces who submitted false data to the Home Office said: "Evenin', all. Least, I fink it is. 'Ang on, I got the time written down 'ere on a bit of paper wot sarge give me down the station. 'Ere, can you read it to us? Wot, two? Yeah, that's evenin', innit?"
Those crime figures in full:
Murder: UP 10 of Diamonds
Burglary: DOWN Ace of Clubs
Rape: DOWN Jack of Hearts
Knife Crime: Joker
Corporate Fraud: Rules of Bridge
Motoring Offences: Mr Bunn the Baker
Mopery: Snap!
"Make no mistake," commented Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "If you break the law, your days are numbered."
"Er... bollocks," she added.
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