Web Satirist Extradited For Insulting Wanky French Flag In This Headline

Following calls for a Frog artist to be prosecuted after he wiped his hairy frog arse with the Tricolore, the writer of the Nev Filter has been detained by Devon and Cornwall Police under a European Arrest Warrant for writing the above headline, bundled onto a ferry to Roscoff and is currently being shouted at by a completely biased Frog magistrate who is waving his arms around like they do.

Under a silly legal system in which all things Frog are automatically considered above suspicion (for example, the mid-Atlantic crash of a Frog-built, Frog-operated, Frog-piloted Airbus last year), it is illegal to publicly insult one particular vertical arrangement of red, white and blue stripes, although all other arrangements are apparently considered fair game.

The photograph - reproduced here just to piss off Johnny Frog some more - was originally published in free newspaper Metro, where it won a special mention in the 'politically incorrect' category. In a typically Frog surrender, the photograph has since been withdrawn from exhibition.

"Chouette!" cried a excitable onion-festooned Frog on a bicycle, who may or may not have been president Nicolas Sarkozy, or possibly Antoine Des Caunes. "Zees unpardonable eensult, eet make os - 'ow you say - ze laugheeng steuck een ze eyes of ze weurld. Zut alors!"

If found guilty - which, under France's medieval justice system, he already is - the unrepentant Nev will be forced to stand in a saluting posture in front of the wanky Tricolore until he cries like a soppy Frog.

War With Ryanair Looms After Humiliating Climbdown

Screaming mad Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has escalated the war of words with Europe after he was forced to pay reparations to his wretched passengers, overturning his earlier pledge to treat them like cattle as usual.

O'Leary had earlier vowed to repay his stranded victims nothing more than their original airfare, instead of the full reparations demanded by European airline regulations. He is now paying the expenses they incurred while stranded by the Icelandic ash plume, claiming that his earlier statement was "a mistake".

The crazed executive - who is known for his bizarre, ranting outbursts and his irrational desire to make his much-maligned passengers pay for everything he possibly can think of - also vowed to fight what he called the "absurd and discriminatory EU 261 regulations".

O'Leary's vaunted air force consists of 202 Boeing 737-800 aircraft, each with sufficient range to threaten many of Europe's leading cities.

A spokesman for Boeing pointed out that the 737 is a passenger aircraft, and is designed purely for peaceful purposes. However, aviation industry experts pointed out that Hitler said exactly the same about the Heinkel He111, but that didn't stop it from bombing London in 1940.

Moaning Passengers Glad To Be Reunited With Moaning Families

The same emotional scenes were being played out at airports all over the UK today, as the first flights began to disgorge their grumpy cargo of moaning British passengers into the folded arms of their moaning families.

"Typical bloody government," moaned typical returnee Rob Blind. "There was never any bloody danger from a little bit of bloody ash. I'm a bloody expert at risk assessment - all this time I could have been back at my desk at the bank trading futures. I offered the girl at the check-in the benefit of my expert opinion, but did she bloody put me in touch with her bloody bosses?"

"And I missed the bloody national lottery on Saturday," he moaned. "Don't bloody tell me I saved ten quid, that's ten good chances of winning bloody millions that I'll never get back."

Meanwhile, Britain's airlines have been moaning about the Europe-wide travel ban which has only now been lifted.

"We bloody said all along there was no bloody danger at all," moaned a spokesman for British Airways. "Have you seen the size of a bloody turbofan? How can something that bloody huge be affected by a little bit of bloody fag ash? It's bloody ridiculous. We'd gladly have chanced it, I bloody swear. Bloody EU, bloody governments, bloody Gordon Brown for following the bloody silly advice from the bloody International Civil Aviation Organisation. Remember that before you bloody start on us about compensation."

"I'm just bloody glad my husband's back in one bloody piece," moaned Mrs Penelope Blind. "Now perhaps he can bloody explain why he was on telly yesterday with his arm round his bloody secretary in the Canaries, when he told me he was going to a bloody banking conference in bloody Dusseldorf."

Meanwhile, holiday resorts are still waving goodbye to thousands of moaning Britons who are ill-temperedly queueing to get into departure lounges.

"Of course, we love our dear British friends and the hilarious jokes they told about overcharging while they were drinking the bar dry," said a haggard Spanish barman, carefully removing his earplugs. "And we sincerely hope they come again. One day."

Unemployment Down And Up

Government statistics revealed a massive drop or huge rise in unemployment today, according to which paper you read.

Guardian and Mirror readers were glad to hear that the number of joblesses claiming JSA fell by 32,900 in March, while other papers told their target demographics that the total number without work had risen by a staggering 8% to two and a half million.

"What is going on here is very simple," explained a man with a calculator from the Office of National Socialist Statistics. It is possible - indeed increasingly possible, thanks to recent legislation - to be jobless but not technically unemployed.

"For example, anyone who lost their job a year ago isn't unemployed any more if they live in one of the seventeen worst hellholes in the country - or Employment Action Zones, as we like to call them. Anyone who is sick or disabled isn't unemployed - and once they've been squeezed through the Work Fitness mangle they probably aren't getting any benefits either. If they live with a working partner, they're unemployed but not receiving benefits. On the other hand, if they spend a few hours a week at a disused TA centre being shown how to start up a software package they can't afford, they're not unemployed but they're still signing on at the nearest Jobcentredoubleplusgood and still receiving benefits."

"What could possibly be clearer?" he said with a smile, as his calculator exploded. "Vote Labour."

Tesco Somehow Manages To Profit During Recession: Could Selling Food and Booze Be The Key?

Britain's shop, Tesco, today lifted the gloom of the recession-hit nation by reporting that its profits had risen by over 10% compared to last year, reaching £3.4bn.

"Hooray for Tesco innit!" cheered impoverished shopper Sammi-Jo Potts, as she added a loaf of Value Range Medium Sliced Chipboard to her trolley-load of Specially Selected Premium Quality Apple-Free Italian Cider. "Wotjer mean, 'ave I got like proof uv age? I got a two-year-old nipa, inniy?"

The world's leading economists are eagerly studying the food and booze retailer's published figures, in a desperate attempt to unlock the holy grail of business: the secret formula for making money in a bankrupt country.

Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy, meanwhile, smiled enigmatically as he prepared to charge you 50p for a pint of sodding milk.

Habitual Non-Voters Shamed Into Breaking Lifetime Habit By Inspirational Video Clip

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Labour, Tories, BNP Unite To Denounce Lib Dem Threat To Britain

Gordon Brown and David Cameron today stood shoulder-to-shoulder with BNP leader Nick Angriff to warn voters of the grave threat to the British way of life if they voted Liberal Democrat.

"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."

"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."

"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.

"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.

Send Royal Navy To Pick Us Up Now, Demand Wildly Optimistic Travellers

150,000 stranded British holidaymakers with quaint notions about the size of the Royal Navy today called on the government to send an imaginary fleet of warships to pick them up and bring them home, preferably with ensuite showers in every cabin.

"My girlfriend and I will be on the quayside at one o'clock sharp, bags packed and ready," snapped irate futures trader Rob Blind, who has been forced to soak up more sun and drink more cocktails in Goa by the evil Icelandic volcano plume. "Cabin for two with a balcony, please. Sort it."

Following a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee, in which it was pointed out that many of the stranded travellers are nice middle-class people who tend to vote in elections, the government later announced that it was sending its three largest warships - assault boat HMS Waterfeature and the pocket carriers HMS Dinghy Royal and HMS Little Britain - on a big circular tour of the world's top holiday destinations to collect all 150,000 ash victims, stack them eight-deep on the hangar decks and return them to their polling districts by 6 May at the latest.

"Travellers may experience a certain amount of discomfort," admitted navy spokesman Admiral Insurance, "Especially the ones who have to stand all the way on the flight deck."

Meanwhile, airlines are beginning to question the actual danger posed by the plume, after a British Airways 747 landed safely following a test flight through the ash cloud with chief executive Willie Walsh lashed to the tail fin, roaring defiance at the elements.

"If anybody was going to be hurled to earth and smashed to bloody chunks, whether you believe in God, karma or Mother Nature, then that person would surely be me," snarled the unharmed executive as flight attendants unstrapped him and gave him oxygen. "But behold, minions and trade unionists - I live!"

"Bloody hell," he added. "Give me some more of that oxygen, love."

New Daleks Recalled By Toyota For Safety Checks

Already reeling from a new wave of product-recall scandals, Japanese car giant Toyota tonight announced that it was suspending production of its brand new range of Daleks amid concerns that the lumbering, oversized monstrosities may topple over and hurt somebody.

The new Toyota Dalek had only just been revealed to the world, following months of secrecy, when a white-faced man with a clipboard rushed in and announced the latest tragic design defect.

Toyota's newly-appointed head of production Stephen Moffat, 9, told reporters: "This is a terrible embarrassment for Toyota. The Dalek is a much-loved script vehicle which has, up until now, remained largely unaltered since the sixties. When our new team took control of Toyota production, we adhered to the age-old maxim of 'If In Doubt - Fuck About' and set out to create a boldly modern - yet at the same time reassuringly traditional - reinterpretation of a classic design icon. The new Dalek offers 50% more interior space than the previous model, yet achieves improved gas mileage through the innovative replacement of metal bodywork by lightweight plastic mouldings."

"Unfortunately, however, our researchers have just uncovered an alarming tendency for the new Dalek to fall flat with a resounding thud," he concluded sheepishly.

Toyota executives say they are trying to recall the few production Daleks in existence, with a team of scientists working round the clock to develop a galaxy-wide recall notice which can travel throughout the entire fabric of the space-time continuum.

Daily Express Offers 'Free' Coffin For Every Reader

With millions of decent, middle-class English people already lying dead in the streets, their corpses covered by a fine layer of deadly toxic ash, the Daily Express is today offering a free coffin to every reader who would rather not be known to future generations simply as a misshapen, Pompeii-style cast.

"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."

Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.

Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.

"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."

"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."

Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.