The Ministry of Defence is signing contracts for two new giant aircraft carriers, amid criticism from some defence experts that the expense of the vessels will seriously affect Britain’s defence capability for years to come.
HMS Queen Elizabeth and Prince of Wales – at 280m, the length of three football pitches - are budgeted at £4bn, and already cuts have had to be made in other areas to offset their cost. The Navy has slashed its Type 45 destroyer procurement plans from eight ships to six, leading strategists to question whether enough vessels will remain to escort the carriers when they enter service. There are also question marks over the F-35 joint strike fighters for which the carriers have been designed - including doubts on their suitability for carrier operations, expressed last year in a US Navy briefing document, which highlighted the limited range and payload of the vertically-landing F-35B.
MoD officials denied rumours that any cost overruns might lead to the disbandment of the Army and RAF.
“What, a defence project go over budget?” laughed Sgt. Oddball, a procurement spokesman. “That can’t possibly happen, man. We’ve got positive vibes about these babies."
Critics, however, point out that the last HMS Queen Elizabeth was ignominiously crippled in Alexandra harbour by a couple of Italian frogmen, while the previous Prince of Wales was swiftly sunk by torpedo bombers while on a fool’s errand to single-handedly save the British Empire from the Japanese.
“They’re great names for a couple of pubs, I’m sure, “said a retired Jimmy the One. “But perhaps not the most auspicious names in the annals of naval warfare.”
Defence chiefs are believed to have drawn up plans to offset the cost of the project, including renting them out for weddings, parties and warehouse raves, and making one carrier the permanent home of Portsmouth Football Club.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Anglican Church Swings Both Ways
The Anglican Communion is facing dual threats of schism, with one splinter group of 1,300 clergy threatening to leave over the issue of female bishops, and another 300 conservative bishops and archbishops refusing to recognise the Archbishop of Canterbury’s authority.
The latter group, which is proposing an alternative leadership of five African and one South American cleric, is critical of what it sees as declining standards in the West, particularly over homosexuality.
“If we look at the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, we don’t find a single word about men’s bottoms,” said one of the breakaway bishops. “God’s message is clear: woman and man were created to complement each other in all things. The only acceptable relationship in the eyes of Our Lord is one of mutual respect and equality between men and women. When God had created Adam, did He then create Gok Wan to give him a makeover? No, He didn’t. He created Eve - and she was responsible for the catering, which remains to this day an important part of the Anglican ministry. Would you like a cup of tea?”
A spokesman for those clergy threatening to resign over the ordination of women said: “The Gospels are quite clear on the subordinate status of women. Our Lord’s ministry was spent in the exclusive company of twelve like-minded men. He had no time for women in His life at all. As far as God is concerned, in a very real sense a woman’s place is in the congregation, arranging the flowers and having a girly crush on the vicar.”
The two ecclesiastical spokesmen then squared off against each other and a brutal fist-fight developed, in which several mitres were seriously damaged and one bishop was taken to hospital to have his crozier surgically removed.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, meanwhile, had no comment to make as he was busy ministering to the spiritual needs of the lesbian sado-masochistic dominatrix community in his Lambeth Palace dungeon.
The latter group, which is proposing an alternative leadership of five African and one South American cleric, is critical of what it sees as declining standards in the West, particularly over homosexuality.
“If we look at the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, we don’t find a single word about men’s bottoms,” said one of the breakaway bishops. “God’s message is clear: woman and man were created to complement each other in all things. The only acceptable relationship in the eyes of Our Lord is one of mutual respect and equality between men and women. When God had created Adam, did He then create Gok Wan to give him a makeover? No, He didn’t. He created Eve - and she was responsible for the catering, which remains to this day an important part of the Anglican ministry. Would you like a cup of tea?”
A spokesman for those clergy threatening to resign over the ordination of women said: “The Gospels are quite clear on the subordinate status of women. Our Lord’s ministry was spent in the exclusive company of twelve like-minded men. He had no time for women in His life at all. As far as God is concerned, in a very real sense a woman’s place is in the congregation, arranging the flowers and having a girly crush on the vicar.”
The two ecclesiastical spokesmen then squared off against each other and a brutal fist-fight developed, in which several mitres were seriously damaged and one bishop was taken to hospital to have his crozier surgically removed.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, meanwhile, had no comment to make as he was busy ministering to the spiritual needs of the lesbian sado-masochistic dominatrix community in his Lambeth Palace dungeon.
Pull The Other One
MPs on the Commons Health Committee have delivered a scathing attack on the government’s reforms of NHS dental treatment, claiming that policies supposedly meant to improve the service have actually made matters worse.
Whereas dentists were previously paid for each item of treatment provided, since 2006 they have been receiving an annual income based on generic UDAs, or Units of Dental Activity. The committee says that this has led to an increase in simple treatments like extractions, while more complex and demanding work – such as dentures and bridge work - has fallen by 57%.
“Duh gubbermump ib repompabw fwa pwagic umb empirewy aboidabw wecking ub duh nation’s bentw healpth,” said a dribbling spokesman.
Whereas dentists were previously paid for each item of treatment provided, since 2006 they have been receiving an annual income based on generic UDAs, or Units of Dental Activity. The committee says that this has led to an increase in simple treatments like extractions, while more complex and demanding work – such as dentures and bridge work - has fallen by 57%.
“Duh gubbermump ib repompabw fwa pwagic umb empirewy aboidabw wecking ub duh nation’s bentw healpth,” said a dribbling spokesman.
Amstrad Launches Cheap Imitation Retirement
Sir Alan Sugar has announced that he is stepping down as chairman of Amstrad, although he says he will retain involvement in his other business interests.
“Anything Bill Gates can do, I can do,” said the surly, hatchet-faced star of TV’s The Apprentice. “And cheaper, too. For example, I won’t be wasting money on unnecessary frills like a charitable foundation to solve the problems facing the world.”
Industry experts agree that Sir Alan’s retirement may look superficially similar to his rival’s, but fear it will probably turn out to be shoddy and featureless.
In the light of the current spate of retirements by wealthy leaders who built up personality cults identifying themselves with their respective organisations in the public mind, while neglecting to provide people with reliable products that actually met their needs - and who seem happy to undermine their successors by continuing to work behind the scenes - we asked Tony Blair for a comment. He said he was too busy to reply, however, as he was enjoying his retirement pastimes of sorting out the Middle East, advising the world’s money men, developing faith-based solutions to the world’s problems and laughing all the way to the bank.
“Anything Bill Gates can do, I can do,” said the surly, hatchet-faced star of TV’s The Apprentice. “And cheaper, too. For example, I won’t be wasting money on unnecessary frills like a charitable foundation to solve the problems facing the world.”
Industry experts agree that Sir Alan’s retirement may look superficially similar to his rival’s, but fear it will probably turn out to be shoddy and featureless.
In the light of the current spate of retirements by wealthy leaders who built up personality cults identifying themselves with their respective organisations in the public mind, while neglecting to provide people with reliable products that actually met their needs - and who seem happy to undermine their successors by continuing to work behind the scenes - we asked Tony Blair for a comment. He said he was too busy to reply, however, as he was enjoying his retirement pastimes of sorting out the Middle East, advising the world’s money men, developing faith-based solutions to the world’s problems and laughing all the way to the bank.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Automatics Anonymous (Part 1)
The family of Jean Charles de Menezes have attacked the granting of anonymity to all 44 Metropolitan Police officers who requested it for the forthcoming inquest into his death.
At a pre-inquest hearing in Southwark, coroner Sir Michael Wright QC said that many of the officers have continued to take part in covert operations, and if they were identified it could put their families at risk. He added that the rest of the officers, who presumably were no longer taking part in covert operations – perhaps because their colleagues didn’t feel safe working with an inept bunch of gung-ho, trigger-happy Rambos – would have felt a bit left out if they were not included in the blanket anonymity, and he didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
A spokesman for the Jean Charles de Menezes Family Campaign said the decision “goes against the spirit of an open, transparent investigation.”
The family are unhappy that no individual officer has taken responsibility for the shooting of the Brazilian electrician, and have said they believe the inquest, due to take place in September, may throw fresh light on how he met his death.
“Not if we can help it, matey,” commented a spokesman, who refused to give his identity, or indeed to confirm whether he was a member of the Metropolitan, or any other, police force.
At a pre-inquest hearing in Southwark, coroner Sir Michael Wright QC said that many of the officers have continued to take part in covert operations, and if they were identified it could put their families at risk. He added that the rest of the officers, who presumably were no longer taking part in covert operations – perhaps because their colleagues didn’t feel safe working with an inept bunch of gung-ho, trigger-happy Rambos – would have felt a bit left out if they were not included in the blanket anonymity, and he didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
A spokesman for the Jean Charles de Menezes Family Campaign said the decision “goes against the spirit of an open, transparent investigation.”
The family are unhappy that no individual officer has taken responsibility for the shooting of the Brazilian electrician, and have said they believe the inquest, due to take place in September, may throw fresh light on how he met his death.
“Not if we can help it, matey,” commented a spokesman, who refused to give his identity, or indeed to confirm whether he was a member of the Metropolitan, or any other, police force.
Automatics Anonymous (Part 2)
The French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, has promised punishment for the soldier who accidentally shot 17 members of the public at a military display on Saturday.
The soldier is understood to have mistakenly loaded a magazine containing live ammunition into his assault rifle, before opening fire in the mock hostage-release operation at the base near Carcassonne.
Prosecutors have said they would press for a charge of causing unintentional harm when he appears before judges today.
“This might seem a rather mild way of referring to emptying an automatic weapon into the general public,” admitted Mr Sarkozy, “But hey - at least we aren’t just doing him for a breach of health and safety rules.”
The soldier is understood to have mistakenly loaded a magazine containing live ammunition into his assault rifle, before opening fire in the mock hostage-release operation at the base near Carcassonne.
Prosecutors have said they would press for a charge of causing unintentional harm when he appears before judges today.
“This might seem a rather mild way of referring to emptying an automatic weapon into the general public,” admitted Mr Sarkozy, “But hey - at least we aren’t just doing him for a breach of health and safety rules.”
Does Smoking Drive You Mad?
From today, patients will no longer be permitted to smoke in the buildings or grounds of mental hospitals. The Department of Health says the ban goes “towards ending an unacceptable health inequality”.
MIND’s policy director, Sophie Corlett, says that mental inpatients are the only people not allowed to smoke inside – or indeed outside – their living quarters. The charity has called for more help and support for those who want to quit smoking. It has, however, been strangely silent about those who might not.
The government was keen to point out that inpatients had restricted rights, and besides the general perception among the public was that they were a bunch of raving lunatics who spent every waking minute devising new ways in which to slaughter the first person they caught sight of.
“OK, it’s possible that there might be one or two patients who have been sectioned because they are so utterly depressed that they keep trying to kill themselves,” admitted a junior health minister. “These people might, perhaps, not be in altogether the best frame of mind to cope with the withdrawal symptoms associated with suddenly giving up smoking. But it’s for their own good, and they’ll thank us for it one day. What these people really need is a damned good slap, anyway. Why don’t they just pull themselves together?”
The department also took the opportunity to unveil its exciting new techniques in the treatment of mental patients - such as inviting the paying public in on Sundays to laugh at the loonies, spinning them in a giant box for hours until they lose consciousness, blasting them twice daily with high-pressure water hoses, forcing them into a chemically-induced coma for a month, and banging a metal spike into their heads to release the evil spirits.
MIND’s policy director, Sophie Corlett, says that mental inpatients are the only people not allowed to smoke inside – or indeed outside – their living quarters. The charity has called for more help and support for those who want to quit smoking. It has, however, been strangely silent about those who might not.
The government was keen to point out that inpatients had restricted rights, and besides the general perception among the public was that they were a bunch of raving lunatics who spent every waking minute devising new ways in which to slaughter the first person they caught sight of.
“OK, it’s possible that there might be one or two patients who have been sectioned because they are so utterly depressed that they keep trying to kill themselves,” admitted a junior health minister. “These people might, perhaps, not be in altogether the best frame of mind to cope with the withdrawal symptoms associated with suddenly giving up smoking. But it’s for their own good, and they’ll thank us for it one day. What these people really need is a damned good slap, anyway. Why don’t they just pull themselves together?”
The department also took the opportunity to unveil its exciting new techniques in the treatment of mental patients - such as inviting the paying public in on Sundays to laugh at the loonies, spinning them in a giant box for hours until they lose consciousness, blasting them twice daily with high-pressure water hoses, forcing them into a chemically-induced coma for a month, and banging a metal spike into their heads to release the evil spirits.
Monday, 30 June 2008
Retire To A Safe Distance
One in three Britons is unable to save anything for when they retire, according to research carried out by insurers Scottish Widows.
40% of the 6,381 people surveyed said they felt they were better off five years ago, while the reality was that only 51% were actually saving enough to provide an adequate income following their retirement, according to the report – which found that those most likely to be setting enough aside were men in the public sector over the age of 50 who earned between £30,000 and £50,000.
Thirtysomething men in the private sector earning over £50,000 wept with the realisation that they were heading for an old age of penury.
“Perhaps I’ll cancel the order for the Bugatti after all,” said one City futures trader. “Or I’ll never be able to afford the harbour fees in Monaco in forty years’ time. God knows where I might end up otherwise – moored in Brighton Marina, or worse.”
Women, the low-paid, and people who work for giant impersonal corporations said they were not too worried about not being able to pay for a life of cosiness in their twilight years.
“The way this country’s going, by the time I’m old enough to retire I won’t be old enough to retire,” said a shelf-stacker in Tesco.
A spokesman for Gordon Brown agreed, saying that it was unlikely that anyone in the country would manage to retire before being drafted to the trenches of the Middle East, knifed by drug-crazed toddlers, eaten from the inside out by a giant mutant superbug at the local supersurgery, crushed by a rapidly-advancing glacier, drowned by rising sea levels, deported for smoking or accidentally shot by the police for being fat in a public place.
40% of the 6,381 people surveyed said they felt they were better off five years ago, while the reality was that only 51% were actually saving enough to provide an adequate income following their retirement, according to the report – which found that those most likely to be setting enough aside were men in the public sector over the age of 50 who earned between £30,000 and £50,000.
Thirtysomething men in the private sector earning over £50,000 wept with the realisation that they were heading for an old age of penury.
“Perhaps I’ll cancel the order for the Bugatti after all,” said one City futures trader. “Or I’ll never be able to afford the harbour fees in Monaco in forty years’ time. God knows where I might end up otherwise – moored in Brighton Marina, or worse.”
Women, the low-paid, and people who work for giant impersonal corporations said they were not too worried about not being able to pay for a life of cosiness in their twilight years.
“The way this country’s going, by the time I’m old enough to retire I won’t be old enough to retire,” said a shelf-stacker in Tesco.
A spokesman for Gordon Brown agreed, saying that it was unlikely that anyone in the country would manage to retire before being drafted to the trenches of the Middle East, knifed by drug-crazed toddlers, eaten from the inside out by a giant mutant superbug at the local supersurgery, crushed by a rapidly-advancing glacier, drowned by rising sea levels, deported for smoking or accidentally shot by the police for being fat in a public place.
A Good Year for Brown, and I Believe in Pixies, Says Health Minister
Gordon Brown has had a “good year” as Prime Minister, according to Health Secretary Alan Johnson.
“In terms of what he is achieving, in very difficult circumstances, I think it has been a good year,” said Mr Johnson. “I have had extensive consultations with Prince Caspian, Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, Santa Claus and the Sugar Plum Fairy, and we all agree. I would also like to add that the NHS is in safe hands, Britian is well equipped to ride out the global recession and petrol has never been cheaper. Is it time for my injection yet, nurse?”
Mr Johnson’s views were not, however, echoed by other senior Labour figures.
“I say! This Brown’s a silly arse, isn’t he?” Lord Charles Levy, the aristocratic dummy told his ventriloquist, Tony Blair.
Sir Gerry Robinson, who gave £70,000 to the party from 2001 to 2005, joined the debate by announcing that he would no longer be giving money to the party. “I’ve got my K now, so what’s the point?” he said.
“In terms of what he is achieving, in very difficult circumstances, I think it has been a good year,” said Mr Johnson. “I have had extensive consultations with Prince Caspian, Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, Santa Claus and the Sugar Plum Fairy, and we all agree. I would also like to add that the NHS is in safe hands, Britian is well equipped to ride out the global recession and petrol has never been cheaper. Is it time for my injection yet, nurse?”
Mr Johnson’s views were not, however, echoed by other senior Labour figures.
“I say! This Brown’s a silly arse, isn’t he?” Lord Charles Levy, the aristocratic dummy told his ventriloquist, Tony Blair.
Sir Gerry Robinson, who gave £70,000 to the party from 2001 to 2005, joined the debate by announcing that he would no longer be giving money to the party. “I’ve got my K now, so what’s the point?” he said.
What Price Life?
The man who put his entire life up for sale on eBay has no regrets after the auction was won by a bid of £200,000.
Ian Usher, originally from Darlington, said he decided to sell his home in Perth, Australia - along with his car, his job in a rug shop and an introduction to his friends - because they all reminded him of his ex-wife.
Expert valuers, however, pointed out that the price was exceptional, and warned other Britons against following Mr Usher’s example.
“Even the most avid collector wouldn’t give two brass farthings for the life of the average Brit,” said a spokesman for Sotheby’s. “However, this fellow had the good sense to leave the country six years ago, which has added greatly to the value of his life.”
Mr Usher said he was looking forward to sorting out the sale, and added that he would use the proceeds to go travelling.
“I want to see the world,” he said. “Apart from Britain, of course.”
Ian Usher, originally from Darlington, said he decided to sell his home in Perth, Australia - along with his car, his job in a rug shop and an introduction to his friends - because they all reminded him of his ex-wife.
Expert valuers, however, pointed out that the price was exceptional, and warned other Britons against following Mr Usher’s example.
“Even the most avid collector wouldn’t give two brass farthings for the life of the average Brit,” said a spokesman for Sotheby’s. “However, this fellow had the good sense to leave the country six years ago, which has added greatly to the value of his life.”
Mr Usher said he was looking forward to sorting out the sale, and added that he would use the proceeds to go travelling.
“I want to see the world,” he said. “Apart from Britain, of course.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)