The Anglican Communion is facing dual threats of schism, with one splinter group of 1,300 clergy threatening to leave over the issue of female bishops, and another 300 conservative bishops and archbishops refusing to recognise the Archbishop of Canterbury’s authority.
The latter group, which is proposing an alternative leadership of five African and one South American cleric, is critical of what it sees as declining standards in the West, particularly over homosexuality.
“If we look at the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, we don’t find a single word about men’s bottoms,” said one of the breakaway bishops. “God’s message is clear: woman and man were created to complement each other in all things. The only acceptable relationship in the eyes of Our Lord is one of mutual respect and equality between men and women. When God had created Adam, did He then create Gok Wan to give him a makeover? No, He didn’t. He created Eve - and she was responsible for the catering, which remains to this day an important part of the Anglican ministry. Would you like a cup of tea?”
A spokesman for those clergy threatening to resign over the ordination of women said: “The Gospels are quite clear on the subordinate status of women. Our Lord’s ministry was spent in the exclusive company of twelve like-minded men. He had no time for women in His life at all. As far as God is concerned, in a very real sense a woman’s place is in the congregation, arranging the flowers and having a girly crush on the vicar.”
The two ecclesiastical spokesmen then squared off against each other and a brutal fist-fight developed, in which several mitres were seriously damaged and one bishop was taken to hospital to have his crozier surgically removed.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, meanwhile, had no comment to make as he was busy ministering to the spiritual needs of the lesbian sado-masochistic dominatrix community in his Lambeth Palace dungeon.
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