Retire To A Safe Distance

One in three Britons is unable to save anything for when they retire, according to research carried out by insurers Scottish Widows.

40% of the 6,381 people surveyed said they felt they were better off five years ago, while the reality was that only 51% were actually saving enough to provide an adequate income following their retirement, according to the report – which found that those most likely to be setting enough aside were men in the public sector over the age of 50 who earned between £30,000 and £50,000.

Thirtysomething men in the private sector earning over £50,000 wept with the realisation that they were heading for an old age of penury.

“Perhaps I’ll cancel the order for the Bugatti after all,” said one City futures trader. “Or I’ll never be able to afford the harbour fees in Monaco in forty years’ time. God knows where I might end up otherwise – moored in Brighton Marina, or worse.”

Women, the low-paid, and people who work for giant impersonal corporations said they were not too worried about not being able to pay for a life of cosiness in their twilight years.

“The way this country’s going, by the time I’m old enough to retire I won’t be old enough to retire,” said a shelf-stacker in Tesco.

A spokesman for Gordon Brown agreed, saying that it was unlikely that anyone in the country would manage to retire before being drafted to the trenches of the Middle East, knifed by drug-crazed toddlers, eaten from the inside out by a giant mutant superbug at the local supersurgery, crushed by a rapidly-advancing glacier, drowned by rising sea levels, deported for smoking or accidentally shot by the police for being fat in a public place.