Forty per cent of Twitter messages are "life-sapping brainfart", according to researchers in the United States, whilst a similar proportion is "self-obsessed verbal diarrhoea of absolutely no interest to animal, vegetable or mineral."
Only one message from the sample of 2,000 'twaats' was found to have "any relevance to anything that anybody actually gave a shit about", said a deeply-upset spokesman for Pear Analytics. And that's only because it was so unintentionally fucking lame it got passed on for people to laugh at."
"This, apparently, is the tragic end-product of civilisation's 5,000-year quest for understanding and enlightenment," he explained between sobs, adding: "The human experiment has failed."
"Press the nuclear button now, Mr President," he implored. "Put us out of our misery."
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